I know I shouldn't be, but I'm consumed by guilt every single day. I know you'll tell me you wouldn't want me any other way than how I turned out but there will always be a small piece of me deep down inside that will never believe you. You'll tell me to I have no reason to be, but I will always be sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be the daughter you envisioned yourself having all your life. I'm sorry it was always a battle getting me into dresses and girly clothing and I'm sorry it always turned into us screaming at each other, usually ending with one of us in tears. I'm sorry I never once fit the mold of a "daughter" and you missed out on so many traditional mother-daughter activities. I'm sorry for all the fights we got into every single time we went school clothes shopping and I would throw the biggest fit when you'd try to get me into the girls' section.
I'm sorry for all the countless times we were out in public when I was younger and got mistaken for your son, I know it infuriated you to no end but truth be told, it always felt natural to me. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you did anything wrong or messed up along the way, but I promise you being transgender had absolutely nothing to do with anything you did. You've always been the most incredible mother and my very best friend.
I feel like there has always been a part of you that has just known I was different from the beginning, but still, I'm sorry coming out to you as Trans was something you never saw coming, a sucker punch almost. I can only imagine how you felt as I came out to you and I'm sorry for that, too.
Whenever I pause and think about how you must be feeling or what you go through as the mother of a trans kid, I am consumed with guilt. You did not sign up for this life, and no matter how many times you'll tell me that you wouldn't change a thing about me, I know "I'm transgender" is not something any parent wants to hear. I get an aching pit in my stomach every time you see me shirtless, I'm sorry I've gone to such extremes to change and alter the body you sacrificed so much for. Over two years into this crazy journey and it still eats me alive sometimes.
But instead of saying any more I'm sorry's I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for clutching me in your loving arms and telling me it would be okay the second I came out to you. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my entire 21 years of living but all of that fear and doubt washed away the second you reassured me you still loved me and you'd do anything to get me the help I needed. Thank you for seeing through that God awful mask I wore for 19 years pretending to be someone I was not. Thank you for teaching me patience.
You reminded me that this would be a lifelong journey that I need to take in strides and appreciate the little things as they came along instead of wanting it all right now. You calmed me down when I would tear myself apart looking in the mirror getting frustrated beyond belief when I didn't notice any changes 2 days on testosterone. (I do get my impatience from you, you know.) Thank you for shielding me from all the (un)expected hatred I got immediately following coming out publically. Just like a mother bear you're always ready to jump into my defense. Thank you for all your help in legally changing my name, I think I'd still be buried in paperwork if it weren't for you.
And thank you for convincing me out of all of those horrific names I had picked out prior, I was a little mad at the time but there isn't any name in the world I'd want over Logan Christopher. Thank you for being the last hand I held before I underwent my top surgery and thank you for being the first face I saw when I woke up. Thank you for being the greatest personal nurse during my recovery even when my drains made you faint.
Thank you for always putting me right back into my place when I don't know that I need it most, you never once let me doubt myself or question my actions even for a split second. Thank you for each and every time you introduce me as your son, you cannot even begin to imagine how over the moon it sends me. In any context whatsoever, hearing you call me your son is the most rewarding and heartwarming experience that I will never, ever grow tired of. Thank you for embracing me for who I am now that you know I am finally living as myself.
Thank you for never trying to deny me or trying to convince me I wasn't transgender. Thank you for being my number one fan, my biggest supporter in all things, and my rock. Thank you for never letting me question your love for me. I only ever want to make you proud.
I don't know what I would do if I hadn't have had you by my side the past two years reassuring me that everything I'm doing is exactly what I needed to be. I don't know where I would be without your constant support and unconditional love. There are no words to describe how lucky I am that you are my mother. I hope I never made you feel like a failure as a mother because that is the absolute last thing you could ever be.
I know this road isn't the one you ever envisioned for me but you never let me walk it alone. It could've been so easy for you to just throw me away like certain people did when I came out but you stuck by my side through thick and thin, showering me with unconditional love and support. You have made me such a better person, a better man, and you only continue to do so every single day. Everyone talks about their hero being someone they'll never be able to meet or one that flies around town fighting crime in spandex and a cape but lucky for me, I was raised by mine.
Sincerely, your extremely grateful son.