This a small piece that explores the ups and downs of my non relationship relationship thing (LOL) in highschool!!

The Crush:

(1)

Sophomore year

We all know how this goes

A new scene, new faces, new boys

The older ones...the ones were told to stay away from.

A friend of a friend

The party's.

You glance my way and I smile back.

An empty room, just you and me.

The music begins to fade, a blur.

(2)

My phone vibrates,

One new notification.

Is it you?

The boy from the party?

Am I overthinking this…

Could it be?

Butterflies.

A smile.

This gut wrenching feeling that I can't escape.

Do I dare look?

Do I wanna know?

(3)

Happy,

Is how I feel.

A smile

Is what I wear.

The thought of you is enough.

The connection.

I don't wanna lose you.

(4)

Giving you every piece of me.

Day by day,

The feelings grow stronger,

My heart grew fonder.

Our bond was unbreakable.

I wanted to call you mine.

(5)

Our first kiss

Magical.

Your smile,

Mind blowing.

Your laugh,

Contagious.

You make me feel complete.

You are my other half.

The Move:

(1)

Uprooted,

Separated

by 157 miles,

Two hours and twenty-five minutes.

I made that drive,

You never did.

I came to you.

We aren't even technically together.

We're just...a thing.

You and I,

But no us.

" What are we? "

I asked, no answer.

" We are what we are ya know ? "

He responds.

Sure.

(2)

Time passed

I'm put on the back burner,

Practically forgotten.

A new girl has your eye.

Communication falls.

No more late night texts,

No facetime calls.

Just casual

"Streaks "

Is this all I am to you?

A side girl?

A girl you know will always be here,

Waiting,

Just waiting for you to run back.

What happened to us?

Was there ever an us?

Did I ever mean anything to you?

(3)

I cry

And I cry some more.

I wonder where I went wrong,

Was it something that I did?

Was it something that I didn't?

What does she have that I don't?

Why-

One new notification…

" hey can we talk ? "

(4)

" I couldn't stop thinking about you, I miss you dummy "

The communication resumes.

Back and better than ever.

My serotonin levels are higher.

We make plans to see each other in the upcoming months.

A reunion.

My heart is happy,

I am happy.

The Junior girl dating the senior boy.

What could go wrong?

(5)

Prom time.

I come down to see you.

No invite to the dance but hey,

I understand,

Money's tight.

I put on a smile as you get ready.

I send you off and wait.

Twiddle my thumbs a little.

I anxiously await for your arrival.

I miss you bubs.

(6)

The afterparty.

You've smoked.

I've drank.

There's an empty room upstairs.

I give you the look,

Off we go.

We kiss, we touch, we feel.

Clothes come off

Passion fills the room.

" Are you sure ? ",

He asks.

" I'm ready. "

I say.

Tonight I give you my all.

(7)

A couple months pass.

Still no titles,

Not exclusive.

It's just us…

Or so I thought.

A new notification…

" Hey are you and … a thing because him and I are dating lol. "

The heartbreak:

(1)

My body is shaking

My head is aching,

My heart feels like it's breaking.

Lie, after lie.

That is what you feed me.

And I believed you.

I have been played once again.

It's been almost two years of us,

But,

Were not even together technically

So

Can I be mad?

Why am I hurt?

(2)

I confront you,

You tell me not to worry,

You don't fuck with her like that.

It was a one time thing you say.

" She's nothing to me "

Little do you know,

I have cried every night since then.

Late nights with my thoughts,

People telling me your not worth the pain,

The sacrifice.

" I love you "

You say.

(3)

Your graduation day.

I promised you I would be here.

But there's traffic…

Lots of it.

I cry in the car

Sad that I'm going to be late to your special day.

A friend facetimes me.

I watch you walk

I smile at the phone.

I arrive at the very end

Searching for you in the crowd.

I spot you and run over

I apologize for being late.

This is the first time you put your hands on me.

I brush it off

I blame your emotions.

I let it go…

But you hurt me.

(4)

Summer comes

I visit a couple more times.

We argue, and we fight, and again

You put your hands on me,

But

We also make sweet love,

We make up,

You tell me you love me,

And I believe you.

My friends tell me we're toxic.

" How can you love someone you're not even with ? "

This question lingers in my mind.

I ponder

I cry some more.

But to me this is love.

All the abuse, the turmoil

It's raw, but I think it's real.

So I stay

With the guy that won't ask me to be his girlfriend.

The guy that I don't even really know.

(5)

I arrive back home one day

A couple of bruises on my arms.

A black eye.

A fake smile plastered on my face.

People ask me what happened

" oh it's nothing "

I say.

But I know what it is.

I remember the swing

The force behind your hits.

I remember you apologizing,

Saying it'll never happen again.

But this…

This is not the first time.

I don't know if it'll be the last.

The healing:

(1)

A couple months ago you left for college.

A new beginning.

A new place,

New people,

But you still have me.

A cry almost every night now

Doubting myself,

Doubting us.

This isn't love.

This isn't real.

But I still stayed.

I knew I wasn't your only.

I know what happens in college.

While I lay here crying,

Your out…

Partying

Smiling

Having fun…

Not even thinking of me.

(2)

Christmas comes around

And so does your birthday.

I visit

Of course.

Another two hour drive.

But this time is different.

I tell you I can't keep doing this.

I cry in front of you.

You don't say anything.

I beg you to just ask me to be your girlfriend.

But you don't say anything.

I take you home

You get out of the car

" I love you, " he says.

I wipe my tears

I stare,

I know what my heart wants

But I also know what my mental health needs.

So I leave.

(3)

A couple weeks later I text you again

I tell you I'm through

That I'm tired of being used

That I can't handle the pain anymore

" I'm not happy, " I say.

And you play the victim.

You blame it on distance.

You blame me for moving,

As if I had a choice.

You make me feel like the bad guy

Like I hurt you.

So here I am again…

Me and my thoughts.

" You broke my heart " you say.

Blocked.

(4)

I haven't been okay since then.

It's been a couple months.

I still cry

I don't leave the house,

Hell

I barely leave my room.

I've lost weight.

I wonder if us being separated was the right decision.

This hurts.

I miss you.

One new notification…

You've moved on

(5)

The cheater moves on

Big shock.

The girl I wasn't supposed to worry about,

Ouch.

You look happier,

But I am not.

I lost a friend,

And a lover.

I'm not okay

But you seem to be.

Do you tell her you love her to?

Do you treat her right?

What does she give you that I couldn't ?

Why wasn't I enough?...

But I hurt you

Remember?

I broke your heart.

But you're not the one that cries every night.

You're not the one that can't even see you in public without having an emotional breakdown…

No.

You moved on.

Fuck love.