TEXAS – Following the tragic murders of Ted Cruz’s entire extended family, the Texas senator vowed to hunt down the person who was responsible and bring them to the White House.
“I swear, with God as my witness,” a visibly distraught Cruz said Friday during a press conference, “to personally find the man responsible for this, and give him my full support.”
Cruz added, “No one is more shaken and saddened by the events of the past week, than I am, but I feel that as a defender of liberty, it is my personal responsibility to find the person who did this, and do everything in my power to make sure that they become president of these United States.”
The gathered members of the press asked an unusually high amount of follow up questions, suggesting they were having a hard time following Cruz’s logic, especially given the fact that Cruz explicitly said earlier on in the week that he would not endorse the eventually convicted murderer for president.
The press also seemed to be having a hard time understanding what endorsing the culprit for president had to do with anything.
Republican nominee Donald Trump weighed in on the tragedy on Twitter, writing, “Lyin’ Ted Cruz endorsing a criminal for president! Probably just needs a friend now that all his family- HIS ONLY FRIENDS- are ALL DEAD!”
He fired again: "WAKE UP PEOPLE! Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer! HE MURDERED HIS OWN FAMILY!"
Cruz responded to Trump’s remarks in a video which aired on The Kelly File:
“I find Donald’s remarks deeply offensive and callously insensitive. I condemn Donald’s comments in the strongest possible terms, and if I can’t find the guy that offed my family, I plan to do everything in my power to make sure Donald is elected president instead.”
The program’s host, Megyn Kelly, suggested that, given the severe trauma Cruz had recently undergone, he might be confused about what it actually means to endorse someone for president.
“Cruz’s comments betray a man shattered by tragedy, and confused,” Kelly said. “I mean you don’t just endorse someone for president who attacks you and your family. That doesn’t make any sense.”
As of press time, Cruz was last seen in a pre-taped segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live, reading mean tweets about himself, looking into the camera, and saying, “I endorse this tweet for president!"
This is satire. Cruz’s family is alive and well. However, Cruz did recently endorse Donald Trump for president. During the primary season, when Cruz was Trump’s stiffest competition, Trump insulted Cruz’s wife Heidi, threatened to “spill the beans” about her, and insinuated that Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination. What a time to be alive.
