Ted Cruz Vows to Find the Man Who Murdered His Entire Extended Family and Endorse Him for President
Start writing a post
Politics and Activism

Ted Cruz Vows to Find the Man Who Murdered His Entire Extended Family and Endorse Him for President

This is satire.

7
Ted Cruz Vows to Find the Man Who Murdered His Entire Extended Family and Endorse Him for President
http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/blogs/the_slatest/2015/07/24/ted_cruz_calls_mitch_mcconnell_a_liar_texas_senator_goes_ballistic_on_the/472769050-republican-presidential-candidate-u-s-sen-ted-cruz.jpg.CROP.cq5dam_web_1280_1280_jpeg.jpg

TEXAS – Following the tragic murders of Ted Cruz’s entire extended family, the Texas senator vowed to hunt down the person who was responsible and bring them to the White House.

“I swear, with God as my witness,” a visibly distraught Cruz said Friday during a press conference, “to personally find the man responsible for this, and give him my full support.”

Cruz added, “No one is more shaken and saddened by the events of the past week, than I am, but I feel that as a defender of liberty, it is my personal responsibility to find the person who did this, and do everything in my power to make sure that they become president of these United States.”

The gathered members of the press asked an unusually high amount of follow up questions, suggesting they were having a hard time following Cruz’s logic, especially given the fact that Cruz explicitly said earlier on in the week that he would not endorse the eventually convicted murderer for president.

The press also seemed to be having a hard time understanding what endorsing the culprit for president had to do with anything.

Republican nominee Donald Trump weighed in on the tragedy on Twitter, writing, “Lyin’ Ted Cruz endorsing a criminal for president! Probably just needs a friend now that all his family- HIS ONLY FRIENDS- are ALL DEAD!”

He fired again: "WAKE UP PEOPLE! Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer! HE MURDERED HIS OWN FAMILY!"

Cruz responded to Trump’s remarks in a video which aired on The Kelly File:

“I find Donald’s remarks deeply offensive and callously insensitive. I condemn Donald’s comments in the strongest possible terms, and if I can’t find the guy that offed my family, I plan to do everything in my power to make sure Donald is elected president instead.”

The program’s host, Megyn Kelly, suggested that, given the severe trauma Cruz had recently undergone, he might be confused about what it actually means to endorse someone for president.

“Cruz’s comments betray a man shattered by tragedy, and confused,” Kelly said. “I mean you don’t just endorse someone for president who attacks you and your family. That doesn’t make any sense.”

As of press time, Cruz was last seen in a pre-taped segment on Jimmy Kimmel Live, reading mean tweets about himself, looking into the camera, and saying, “I endorse this tweet for president!"


This is satire. Cruz’s family is alive and well. However, Cruz did recently endorse Donald Trump for president. During the primary season, when Cruz was Trump’s stiffest competition, Trump insulted Cruz’s wife Heidi, threatened to “spill the beans” about her, and insinuated that Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination. What a time to be alive.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

A Letter To My Heartbroken Self

It will be okay, eventually.

1354
A Letter To My Heartbroken Self
Pexels

Breakups are hard. There's nothing comparable to the pain of losing someone you thought would be in your life forever. Someone who said all the right things at the right times. Someone who would give you the reassurance you needed, whenever you needed it. And then one day, it just... stops. Something changes. Something makes you feel like you're suddenly not good enough for him, or anyone for that matter.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

2026: the year the Fifa World Cup Returns to North America

For the first time since 1994 the United States will host a world cup (for men's soccer)

4237
2026: the year the Fifa World Cup Returns to North America
Skylar Meyers

The FIFA World Cup is coming to North American in 2026!

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

An Open Letter to Winter

Before we know it April will arrive.

6409

Dear Winter,

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

6 Questions To Ask Yourself When Cleaning Up Your Room

This holiday break is the perfect time to get away from the materialistic frenzy of the world and turn your room into a decluttered sanctuary.

5901
Pixar

Cleaning isn’t just for spring. In fact, I find school’s holiday break to be a very effective time for decluttering. You’re already being bombarded by the materialistically-infatuated frenzy of society’s version of Christmas, Hanukah, etc. It’s nice to get out of the claustrophobic avarice of the world and come home to a clean, fresh, and tidy room. While stacking up old books, CDs, and shoes may seem like no big deal, it can become a dangerous habit. The longer you hang onto something, whether it be for sentimental value or simply routine, it becomes much harder to let go of. Starting the process of decluttering can be the hardest part. To make it a little easier, get out three boxes and label them Donate, Storage, and Trash. I'm in the middle of the process right now, and while it is quite time consuming, it is also so relieving and calming to see how much you don't have to deal with anymore. Use these six questions below to help decide where an item gets sorted or if it obtains the value to stay out in your precious sanctuary from the world.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Why I Don't Write (Or Read) An "Open Letter To My Future Husband/Wife"

Because inflated expectations and having marriage as your only goal are overrated.

16892
Urban Intellectuals

Although I have since changed my major I remember the feverish hysteria of applying to nursing school--refreshing your email repeatedly, asking friends, and frantically calculating your GPA at ungodly hours of the night. When my acceptance came in I announced the news to friends and family with all the candor of your average collegiate. I was met with well wishes, congratulations, and interrogations on the program's rank, size, etc. Then, unexpectedly, I was met with something else.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments