It is the 21st century and there have been many strides for LGBT+ equality and women’s rights, among various other amazing efforts in the way of all around quality of life for humankind... So why is it such a strange concept to grasp that not everyone has a dream of having children? This world can be a weird enough place to navigate with the tangled mess of paying back student loans, finding love, finding a ‘real’ job, buying a house, and all the other things of that nature, never mind the added bonus of having a child and what their future entails. Throwing in children is an entirely personal choice. The decision to bring a tiny human into the world is literally life altering.
As a woman in her twenties, I’ve often been asked when I plan to settle down and having children. However, holding the unpopular opinion of “I don’t actually want children” is not an answer most people take kindly to. I am often greeted with “Oh that’ll change when you get older” and “You don’t know that, you’re still young.” The thing about this whole decision is that is mine to make, and mine alone.
Very occasionally there have been times that I’ve been met with “But why?!” instead, and I think I’ve come up with three brilliant responses to why it’s perfectly okay to not want children.
1. It is my body.
This is my body, which means I get to make decisions for my body. I don’t want to be a human incubator for 40 weeks. I don’t want to give up things like dying my hair, drinking caffeine and alcohol, and eating sushi. I don’t want stretchmarks in weird places or to gain weight or to have morning sickness or to feel like there is a watermelon dancing on my bladder. This body is my temple, I only get one of them. So, yes I plan to decorate it however I please (but that's a discussion for another time) and I only put things I want in it, including but not limited to: a tiny human. Also, I know my body best (next to perhaps my doctor) and therefore, I know whether or not a pregnancy could be high risk for me. I know that maybe a pregnancy could trigger a whole slew of hormonal imbalances in my brain. I make conscious decisions everyday to take precautions for myself. So keeping with this theme that this is my body: I do not have to share with you if there are legitimate medical reasons or if it is some other reason for not wanting a child.
2. It is my finances.
This is my bank account. My very small, broke-college-student bank account for the time being. I am not in a financially stable enough position to have children right now. And by the time I have the money to care for a child, the odds of me wanting to spend the money on a child instead of concert tickets, plane tickets around the world, spoiling a fur baby, or any number of others things. I want to experience the world and what it has to offer, and I don't need a child to feel fulfilled. I do not want to have to worry about how to house, clothe, feed, entertain, handle any medical bills, or educate another human being. Finances change in the blink of an eye with today’s economy, worrying about another mouth to feed is a huge responsibility to undertake.
3. It is my future.
There is this notion that when you have a child you are stuck with it for 18 years. But the reality is you are stuck with a child for the rest of your life. Sure, once they graduate high school or college you are no longer as financially responsible as you once were. But this is a full time, 18 year long commitment. This is a commitment to endless sports practices and games, theatre rehearsals, music lessons, dance recitals, and Scout meetings. And then if you’re religious, you have to add Sunday school and confirmation to that list as well. You have to be prepared for finger paint and crayons on the walls of your home, Play-Doh ground into the carpets, and Legos all over the floor. You have to be prepared for school projects that you find out about the night before they’re due and parent-teacher conferences. And this is a commitment to having a child who might not “live up to your dreams” because they aren’t exactly what you wanted in life. This is a commitment to going to places like Disney, Children's Museum, or to the Lego Store for family vacations.
People often ask me, once I’ve spouted a reason or two, if I just don’t want kids because I don’t like them. That’s not true, most days. I like kids well enough, but I like them in small doses. I have a whole lot of love in my heart for the kids in my family and for my friend’s children, just ask their parents how much I spoil them. And I too say “Aww” at pictures of babies. But I have come to the conclusion that while I will love all of my cousins and nieces and nephews (should that be in my future), I really only have the intention of being the Cool Aunt who can just send the kids home. And while I personally want to work in a high school setting, I don’t want children running around my home. I make these decisions for myself. And I, like many women (and men), am sick of being asked when I plan to settle down and make some babies, as if it is expected of me. Because when I do decide to settle down, the only babies I plan to have running through my house are going to be in the form of cats, dogs and perhaps a few fish.
