I can get upset over and over again about you not understanding me. I can scream it from the roof tops, everything you do is wrong. You said you love me, but I can't believe you because you don't listen. But maybe our love language is different. Maybe you were never meant to be mine and I was never meant to be yours. I may love you with everything in me, but I don't know how to love you.
I want spontaneous, passionate love. The kind that as a little girl I fantasized over. I want to give you my all, the strange, the gross, the mean, the nurturing, the romantic. You want the wild child who has fire in her heart and and whiskey in her veins. The kind of girl who will watch football with you and the guys with an ice cold beer in her hand. You said you love me, but I'm none of those things. I may not know how to love you. I will give you so much space that the distance is chilling. You'll hear me talk and wonder why you aren't enough for me. You will hear me yell and scream and say vulgar things because I don't know what you want anymore. But I didn't know what you wanted from the start.
From the start, it was puppy love. You would do anything to see a smile on my face, and I would smile just because you were electrifying. You made my heart skip, ache, and confused. My mom always said you'll know when you've found the one because they'll make you feel different from any other person you've met, is this what she meant? A love so shocking that it left no survivors? We did everything we could to make each other happy, all while we were slowly losing ourselves because we thought we were happy.
I don't blame you for the way I feel. I can't force someone to love me, and I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to question whether you love me, I should be able to feel it. I don't expect you to know how to love me, or to want to learn how. Love should be effortless, we should want to chose each other. It's hard to chose someone when I don't know how to love you.
I love you, and I will always have love for you. And this isn't me trying to tell you that your feelings are wrong. This is me telling you that it's okay to not know how to love someone.