Even though someone can easily say “No I was never bully” or “No I’ve never been bullied,” that doesn’t mean they’ve never felt bullied or felt like a bully. Bullies can be awful, completely irrational, toxic, life changing, traumatic. They can bring so many issues into our lives that we aren’t really sure how to put two and two together on why they are treating us this way, and even years after this bullying has occurred, we are left with that lingering why question.
Do we really need that question answered? For everyone who’s been bullied, do they even want that kind of closure or just want to forget that even has even occured? I can’t say that I’ve been surrounded by a bully throughout a certain part of my childhood and teenage years, but I can easily say that I’ve felt bullied. A lot of comments that I heard that made me feel like I was being bullied consist of “don’t be annoying or a crybaby like you always are, or don’t dress like that, it’s childish, how come you’re not as pretty as your sister?” A lot of this stuff I heard when I was eight or nine, yet I’m not even sure if these actions qualify as forms of bullying but still continued to feel bullied by them. Was I just oversensitive? Maybe. It could have always just been someone attempting to give me friendly advice? Not so sure about that one, but let’s just go with that for now.
In terms of how I feel now, I never would have never expect to see my “bully” through such a different light. I don’t even few my “bullies” as bullies anymore. Throughout all the drama I went through with them, I would just wish that they would stop tormenting me. I knew they had other crap going on that they had to deal with, but the last thing I wanted to do was have to deal with them.
However, when I come to think about it, I feel like I wouldn’t have matured if it wasn’t for them. They may of influenced me in some of the worst ways possible, I gave them that power for sure, yet there were times when they would influence me in the best. I’ve always been known as “the overly sensitive and annoying girl”and of course, my “bullies” are the one who titled me that. Once I advanced into high school, I refused to let this title I got in middle school to tag along with me. So I changed. I came to indulge deeply into the idea that maybe everyone was right about me. Maybe I was overly sensitive and maybe there was a way for me to alter that a little bit once I got to high school. I guess I could say because this fault of mine was pointed out to me as I was growing up, when I turned fourteen, I really examined the truth of it. I looked back on every situation where I could of been overly sensitive, “been too annoying,” taken things too personally, and ultimately started drama for myself.
I hated to say my “bullies” were right, but they were right. I hated the fact that they were right. The instant I realized they were right was the instant I realized I had to change, and not for them, but for me. My conscious was telling me to prove to everyone who had doubted me that I was more than just a girl who cried to their mommy and daddy. I always knew I was much more than what they thought of me, yet no one wanted to stick around long enough to find that out, which I had no issue with. I had no issue with growing out of my habit of being oversensitive on my own and proving to them I was capable of doing so. However, I still know that if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have even tried to grow out of it.
If it wasn’t for all the taunting, I guess I never would have tried to grow up. I know everyone says that a bully shouldn’t change you, which is why I’m still second guessing if my bully was even a bully or if I just felt bullied. So what if they were bullies, is it so bad that they were the ones to help me grow up? Sure they may of torn me down, but is it so bad that I used their little insults to my own advantage? Maybe they did simply hate me or maybe they simply knew the only way to help me was to tease me? I may not be as over sensitive and “annoying” as I used to be, but these traits are still a work in progress. I guess I do have “my bullies” to thank for “encouraging” me to be more grown up? Right? Either way, I know I’m done being mad at them and done looking at them like they are the enemy. Even though they may have said the harsh words, it was all up to me to decide how I would let those words affect me.
