The human body is the vessel with which we travel through life. We live in it, experiencing the stuff of the physical world. We receive and expel energy and information through our bodies. Everyone should feel safe and understood within their own skin, but there is cruelty and hatred in our world that robs some people of a sense of personal security.
In my case, I am one of many victims of sex abuse. The feeling of innocence stolen is a difficult thing to come to terms with physically, emotionally and spiritually. For me, it felt like everything I was, body and mind, belonged to someone else. After years of living with shame, fear, and self-hatred that wasn't mine to carry, I decided to start getting tattoos. It seemed like a healthier alternative to the eating disorder and self-harm behaviors I was previously using to cope, and I had nothing to lose.
I remember my first one. It was pretty weird, but that was the point. I felt ugly and was tired of pretending like I had confidence. I wanted something on my outside to match the chaos and grotesqueness of what was going on inside. The idea of doing something for myself just because I wanted to was pretty foreign at the time.
For so long, I had been living life for others so that no one would want to hurt me in any way. I strove for perfection because I was terrified of what the consequences would be, considering I had already experienced tragedy just for existing. My tattoos put me on a path to slowly reclaiming my autonomy as a human woman complete with strengths, flaws, preferences, and needs.
I'm not saying that everyone with self-worth issues should go get inked. It's not for everyone! But using something, anything you battle every day with as a canvas for art will consistently teach you lessons about what you need, what you want, and what you're capable of. Tattoos didn't "fix" me. I am not healing because of my tattoos, but because I chose to say that love is bigger than hate. Love for myself is bigger than hate for myself. My skin is only a reflection of that belief.
The pieces of art on my body have started beautiful conversations for both myself and the viewer.
I love getting to encourage and pray with those going through painful situations that are similar to mine. My tattoos have already helped me, and now they can be there for others. In a similar way, I am already on my upward journey, and can now bring others up with me.
That is why I love tattooing as a therapeutic tool. It is both internal and external. Ink deals with the flesh of the body declaring images and ideas to the world that only that person has access to. It's individual and intimate, and yet so communal and exposed. This duality is something not often found and should be respected as a high form of expressionistic art.
To those who have had their bodily autonomy compromised and are coping with the aftermath: You are loved. You have been found worthy. God made you to be your own, and nothing or no one else's. Bad things happen and people hurt other people but at the end of the day, no one can take away your story. No one can erase your history. No one can reach forward and alter your future. Live your life for today, because it is all you have control over and you deserve to be present.
