You hold my breath before I even get a chance to. Over the years, I see you make your presence more noticeable in public, like I haven't been giving you enough attention alone. You cause my eyes to water, face to tense, and throat to close. I try my best to cover you up with oversized sweaters and music that is too loud for my ears to bear, but your existence is always there. Always by my side.
At night, you love to hold me in your arms and whisper everything I did wrong that day. Your words hurt, but beyond the initial sting they are comforting. Like a melody that burns through vocals, creating its own sound, unique and unlike others.
When you are mad, you become extreme, forcing me to become irrational. I try my best to tell you otherwise but your determination for success becomes an obsession. It is either we win or we lose because their is no tie in our game of life.
I remember the time I thought I failed my math exam. The percentage of the test's worth wrapped around my head like a rope. You it pulled tighter and tighter to ensure I understood the exams importance, significance, and value. I hid under the sheets hoping you wouldn't join, but under there in the darkness I saw you. You take on various shapes and sizes but you are always in black and white. I try and tell you this world was made in color, that it is meant to be vibrant but you tell me it is simply a structured model that I must follow.
You make every step I take seem like it is engraved in concrete, and if I step out of line in any way there is no going back. Of course I am nervous, you know that. Afraid that at every moment something might go wrong and I won't be prepared to handle it’s effects. But anxiety my biggest fear of all is that my kids someday will have to fight our battles, see life through our eyes, and cry the way we did.
This letter is not to glorify your presence in any way, but it is to enlighten myself on our journey. We will spend every second, every breath, and every panic together so let's get comfortable. I want to start a dialogue between us. Create a language only we know, so when I am down you do not bring me deeper, rather leave me alone. Leave me to lift myself up, and slowly when I begin to become stronger you can add the weights of your worry. Because then I'll be able to hold both of us up. To take my own breath of air, and one for you too.
We will fail
We will grow
We will coexist
From your friend,
If you suffer from anxiety in any way… I'm sorry. I know it sucks a lot, more than people can imagine, but at the end of the day it is a part of us. It’s better to explore your anxiety and find areas where you can handle situations better, making your day a little bit more bright. Sending love and good vibes!