I was that girl in high school. I would date guy after guy after guy, hardly changing my relationship status on Facebook before drawing hearts with new initials in them. I would go from J.M. to J.V. to J.A. back to J.M. again. And those were the more serious relationships I was in, or however serious you can get in high school. I would date multiple guys at the same time! I remember one incident where my ex-boyfriend and two other guys I was dating showed up for my volleyball game. That was fun.

I was afraid of being alone and eager to find out what a relationship looks like. I never had a healthy, normal relationship to look up to growing up. Everyone in my family had been through a divorce, except my paternal grandparents, whom I’ve only met twice. So I was on my own, figuring dating out for myself. And, boy, did I like to learn things the hard way.

The first time I told a boy I loved him and meant it, I was just 15. And while I don’t regret those words, 15 is very young to be dealing with those emotions and trying to understand them.

I was really selfish in high school when it came to dating. I had ideas about how relationships should be and how boyfriends should act. The boys I dated weren’t perfect, far from it, but I wasn’t grateful to them when they were close to it.

Senior year was a big year for me. I had goals I wanted to accomplish and things like prom and college to stress about. I wanted someone by my side to celebrate my victories with me and cheer me up when I lost. Luckily, I found that and was able to enjoy that until I started college.

During college, I didn’t date too much. Such is the struggle of going away to college. If you date someone from your hometown, you’re in a long-distance relationship and if you date someone from college, you’re in a long-distance relationship. But it wasn’t for a lack of trying! When I was home for more than three days I would manage to get a date, only for it to fall apart as soon as I went to back to school.

But that changed in the past year. I haven’t been on a date in over a year. A year! If you haven’t noticed, 2016 has been the worst. In the past year, I’ve been alone a lot. In that solitude, I have found solace. I have explored places I would have never gone to otherwise. I attended various concerts, events, and parties by myself and survived. I learned about who I was and discovered I didn’t like certain things about myself and went on my way to change those things. I focused on my work and who I wanted to be, rather than who I wanted to be with. A big part of me wishes I went through this while I was still in high school. But the other part of me is glad that I went through it in college. I think it took me being older to be okay with being alone.

Of course, I would love to get back into dating and if I find the right person, a relationship. But right now, my heart isn’t in it. Blame it on Tinder where most of the guys are a special kind of rude. Or blame it on the fact that I’m still focusing on who I want to be. Me? I’m going to blame it on the fact that Saturday Night Live is back. You’re going to have to be David S. Pumpkin to convince me that missing Weekend Update is worth it.