Being on the border of straight sized to plus, I have always tried to make myself seem as “average” as possible. I would try not to let the store clerks at clothing stores see the tears in my eyes forming when I couldn’t find anything in my size because I’m too fat for most straight sizes, but not busty and curvy enough for most plus size clothing. Constantly lost somewhere between XL and 2X, it’s hard being accepted in straight sized society as well as plus sized society.
Constantly fluctuating from average to chubby, it is a struggle to not feel out of place in a world that still has a hard time recognizing my body type. Growing up, I knew that I took up more space in the world. On school trips, I dreaded when the teachers told us “three to a seat” as we boarded the bus. No one would be able to squeeze a third person on any bus seat I was sharing. I felt eyes stare me down whenever I got up for seconds at lunch, and I felt shame weighing me down more than my stomach ever did. I took up too much space, and they wanted me smaller. I had to make myself smaller for everyone else’s comfort, because God forbid a woman take up any space in this world. Let alone an overweight one.
Sick of feeling I had to be small, I began writing. I wrote, painted, sang, and I even ran. Yes, I ran for my school’s cross country and track team. And you know damn well I was not about to make myself small doing any of these things. When I wrote, my thoughts could be as big and as loud as I wanted. When I painted, I could be as insane and abstract as I pleased. When I sang soprano in choir, Heaven help anyone who told me to hush. And when I ran, I ran fiercely and large. Art and sports allowed me to be as big and loud as I pleased. No one could knock me down a peg. No one could tell me to dial it down. I was, for the first time, unashamed of the space I took up, and I liked it.
It has taken me a long time to be okay with taking up space and to love the body I have. I have vowed to love myself and allow myself to make room for myself in a world that wants to shrink me, because I am more than my size. However, if mean people want to stare and whisper, I’ll give them a show.
