This Is Why You Do Not Ghost Someone
A letter for all the boys who are still ghosting... and for the one that ghosted me
There are boys that I have talked to for months before they "commit" and some after the first date. If I am feeling it, I go with the flow of everything. If we click, we click.
Recently, I met someone and we hit it off well. He travels all over the area for his job and asked if he could stay the night with me so he is closer to his job come the following morning. I let him know that I was okay with this, but I am staying with my parents while in the process of buying a house; so he can either come in the basement door.... or meet my parents. HE chose the latter.
He met my parents, it was great. We had an awesome weekend. And then he left. He said before he got in his car, that when his phone turned back on from being dead, that he would text me. He also said he'd let me know if I was staying at his house that night, or if he was coming back to mine. He did neither of those things he said he would do.
Here I am, almost 48 hours since I heard from him, worried he isn't okay. Worried he is on the side of the road somewhere, because he didn't respond. He couldn't do me the decency of saying "Hey I am home safe, but I don't think this is going to work out." Or "Hey I am home, I need some time to think about things." He just hasn't said anything, at all.
I am stressing myself out over a boy (who is 31 by the way... but I think we can agree he doesn't deserve the title of "man"), who won't give me the time of day. Who hasn't deleted me from Facebook or blocked my number. Which would make everything easier and at least give me some sort of sign. But everything still feels up in the air.
So boys, let me tell you why you shouldn't ghost someone.
Number One: In Case You Forgot, We Have Feelings
Can we be honest for a second? Ladies, for how long have we been told we are "too emotional" and we are "more emotional than men"? So show me the logic in ghosting someone that has, supposedly, more emotion than you do? If I am a more emotional creature than you, why are you messing with my emotions? Why are you prolonging my emotions? You are only making me HAVE more emotions. Really, when we are ghosted, we go through our own stages of grief. Denial, I find personally, is usually my first step and I will make all of the excuses for him. He must have lost his phone, he's busy, he just needs a second, he'll call, he isn't like this, etc.
And then here comes the even more emotional part, bargaining. And this is when they will tell us we are crazy, because they are ignoring us after they made us feel some feelings. Usually bargaining will look like, please let me fix whatever I did, I am sorry if I did something wrong, give me another chance, can we just talk this out, etc. This is where we send all the texts that go unanswered and the unreturned phone calls. After we try to help them fix what they broke, we still try to bargain for them. Why?
Depression for me comes next. After I realize, he really isn't going to respond, it hurts. A lot. And this is when you go through a breakup without actually breaking up. Because you stop talking to me, I start thinking about everything that is wrong with me. Because you don't have the decency to let me know that you don't want to talk, I have to get all in my feelings and cry over someone I met a month ago.
Which as you can see, depression leads to anger. You realize why am I crying over someone who won't give me the time of day? Why am I crying over someone who doesn't deserve me. Why am I fighting for someone who doesn't want me? If I win this fight, this is a good look into the rest of your relationship.
I am currently bouncing between depression and anger right now, working my way to acceptance. This is when I am done, and you have no shot of getting me back. Because at this stage, I am logical. You've let me grieve four stages, you have let me be sad and anxious. Therefore, you no longer deserve me.
Number Two: Our Past
Let me tell you why this one is important. If you ghost someone in the beginning, odds are they haven't shared a lot with you. They might not have told you that, they have abandonment issues. I have heard a guy say "this is every girl though". First of all, even if it is every girl, you shouldn't ghost someone, period. Second of all, that's not entirely true. There are girls that do the ghosting and need to read this just as much as the guys do.
You don't know my trauma, you weren't there when it happened and you don't know how it affects me. A huge trigger for myself is when I don't know what is going on. It bring back a lot of terrible memories for me and it makes that depression stage, last a lot longer. Telling me that you want nothing to do with me, is way better than not saying anything at all, at least I have closure.
Some girls may have had abusive exes that would go days without talking to them because of something small they did. So during those stages of grief, guess what I am doing? I am replaying every conversation we had, I am replaying every interaction to see what I did wrong.
You may be able to move on, and good for you. But let me move on too.
Number Three: It's Cowardly
You are absolutely a coward if you do this. If you do not have the balls to let me know, then you shouldn't be talking to anyone with intention to date. And if she has the intention to date and you don't, and you knew that from the beginning, and you still talk to her, I honestly don't have the words to say to you.
Toughen up, call her, at least text her, and say this isn't going to work. Will she be mad? Probably. Will she be upset? Yep. But this is the decent thing to do and she will be over it so much quicker, if you just owned up and was honest instead of stringing her along, hoping you end up doing the right thing.
Number 4: If You Don't Want To Deal With Crazy, Don't Make Me Crazy
Period.
As A Female Gamer, I've Experienced The Sexism In Gaming That Far Too Many Women Do
Have you ever been told to "go back to the kitchen"?
I've played video games ever since I was little. Games like Mario Bros, Pokémon and (even occasionally) Minecraft were the pastime for my brother and I; they're fun, and it's easy to connect with friends and family over games. Only recently did I gather up the courage to start playing huge multiplayer FPS games.
Though it may not seem like a big deal to some, there's a major difference between playing Mario Kart on your Nintendo Switch and playing large multiplayer FPS games like Valorant or CS:GO. Not only are these games faster and more intense (unless you're crazily cracked at Mario Kart), but the environment can be drastically different for women, and that was something I was all too aware of.
My personal experience in games like these have been pretty lucky so far. I speak on voice chat sparingly, and only queue up with people I know. But even I haven't escaped the classic "go make a sandwich" taunt or the original "it's a female" sneer from people who are supposed to be my teammates. These comments don't seem like much, but as someone who only casually plays games with friends, it quickly turns a night of fun into one of tension and frustration.
Of course, that isn't to imply that comments like these are in any way OK if you're not a casual gamer. The simple fact is that these comments are never OK.
Part of the problem, I think, is the prevailing idea that video games are meant for boys. Though video games are often marketed towards men, women have been a major chunk of the gaming audience for a long time, peaking at 48% in 2014 and settling around 45% from 2018-2019. The misconception that women are outsiders in video games gives immature men or teenagers the confidence to be outwardly toxic and brashly sexist, and is truly a delusion that needs re-writing.
Women belong in video games and do not deserve to be taunted or criticized, especially not in response to their gender.
Earlier, I said that I got off easy, and that's true. Many female gamers have been sharing their experiences with sexism in Valorant over TikTok, Twitch, Reddit, and several other platforms, and have much worse examples and experiences than I. While reddit threads give voices to the many women plagued by sexism, there are still several in the thread countering that trolling insults are just a part of the gaming experience and that this overreaction has a simple remedy: thicker skin.
While it's immeasurably difficult to miss the point when so many women (and men) have painstakingly typed it out for you on Reddit, I find it much harder to miss when you see it in action.
This TikTok posted by Tiffae shows the verbal abuse women face on the daily: getting called a "good for nothing fucking whore" or told that her teammate hopes she gets "raped in an alley". Tiffae writes in the description that this is merely the harassment she receives on the daily, and despite it all, she still loves gaming. If that isn't a thick skin, I don't know what is, but having a thick skin is not the point.
No one deserves this kind of harassment and no one should ever feel entitled to demean someone like this.
Though I wish I could say this behavior is limited to Valorant, that just isn't true. Sexism in gaming has a long history, a notable example being Twitch streamer Hafu's experience in a 2016 professional World of Warcraft tournament. Competing in the tournament, she encountered a team called "Gonna Rape Hafu At Regionals", and was understandably appalled and hurt by the name. If actions like this are acceptable at the professional level, what does that say about games that aren't monitored or watched by anyone?
This issue is not an easy one to tackle, but it is an issue that has gained traction thanks to the outspokenness of gamers around the world. Games like Valorant are taking strides to protect their minority gamers, and in the meantime, several Discords are popping up, acting as a safe Haven (See what I did there, Valorant players?) for female gamers.In the end, I hope most gamers agree with Tiffae in choosing to continue gaming despite the hate and toxicity. If I've learned anything, it's that the best way to improve the community is to change it yourself by standing up for others and speaking up. So please, if you hear someone berating a fellow gamer, plant your feet as though they were a spike in Valorant, and stand against it