I Had Everything Until I Didn't
Sometimes you think you have it all, when you really have nothing.
I had to lose a lot to find myself, and yet, I still have not fully found myself. I had it all going for me, at least I thought I did. This just goes to prove that no matter how much you think you have it together, you might actually have nothing together.
I had it all, well almost, a loving boyfriend, an apartment waiting for me in my favorite town, a job, friends. Everything was perfect until it was not. I lost everything within a couple of weeks, almost everything.
I lost my boyfriend, and although I still love him, this just is not our time. Some people love each other too much and realize that they are not what they need right now. That is the greatest and most heartbreaking love. I love him, I will always have love for him, but I can not be in love with him. However, I did not just lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend.
I lost my job, only because I had to, though. I was moving over two hours away and clearly would not be able to keep up with a commute like that. I loved that job, I loved the people, and I loved the family. I always will.
Two days before moving into my new apartment, my car was totaled. I had someone hit me from behind and not only was my spirits cracked from the loss of my job and boyfriend, my spirits were now shattered along with my back windshield.
Why? Why is this all happening now?
I was angry, I have been angry for weeks. I have lost so much, but gain so much in return. I left my family, friends, and the comfort of my job all behind to move to a city that felt more like home. The biggest motivation for my move is college. I love this school and I love the people there.
I had to grow up, I had to go somewhere that allowed me to do that. I packed up my entire life, including my dog, and left it all behind. I have spent weeks trying to heal and make sense of why things are happening, and why it had to all happen at once.
I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to have it all.
I'm not supposed to have it all, not yet anyway. I am still so young and have so much ahead of me. Taking all of this in has been agony and I'm looking forward to the pain going away. I have so much good in my life to be so focused on the bad. This is not to discredit my feelings towards the bad, but it is important to enjoy the good in life, as well.
If we spend all of our time focused on the bad then we will never enjoy the good. My favorite good times include late night laugh sessions with my friends, the sunsets over Jacksonville, kisses from my dog, setting up my apartment exactly how I want it, seeing my mom smile, happy tears from a movie, writing, thinking about my future, and spending time with the ones I love. Focus on the good, heal from the bad.
