I Had Everything Until I Didn't

I Had Everything Until I Didn't

Sometimes you think you have it all, when you really have nothing.

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I had to lose a lot to find myself, and yet, I still have not fully found myself. I had it all going for me, at least I thought I did. This just goes to prove that no matter how much you think you have it together, you might actually have nothing together.

I had it all, well almost, a loving boyfriend, an apartment waiting for me in my favorite town, a job, friends. Everything was perfect until it was not. I lost everything within a couple of weeks, almost everything.

I lost my boyfriend, and although I still love him, this just is not our time. Some people love each other too much and realize that they are not what they need right now. That is the greatest and most heartbreaking love. I love him, I will always have love for him, but I can not be in love with him. However, I did not just lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend.

I lost my job, only because I had to, though. I was moving over two hours away and clearly would not be able to keep up with a commute like that. I loved that job, I loved the people, and I loved the family. I always will.

Two days before moving into my new apartment, my car was totaled. I had someone hit me from behind and not only was my spirits cracked from the loss of my job and boyfriend, my spirits were now shattered along with my back windshield.

Why? Why is this all happening now?

I was angry, I have been angry for weeks. I have lost so much, but gain so much in return. I left my family, friends, and the comfort of my job all behind to move to a city that felt more like home. The biggest motivation for my move is college. I love this school and I love the people there.

I had to grow up, I had to go somewhere that allowed me to do that. I packed up my entire life, including my dog, and left it all behind. I have spent weeks trying to heal and make sense of why things are happening, and why it had to all happen at once.

I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to have it all.

I'm not supposed to have it all, not yet anyway. I am still so young and have so much ahead of me. Taking all of this in has been agony and I'm looking forward to the pain going away. I have so much good in my life to be so focused on the bad. This is not to discredit my feelings towards the bad, but it is important to enjoy the good in life, as well.

If we spend all of our time focused on the bad then we will never enjoy the good. My favorite good times include late night laugh sessions with my friends, the sunsets over Jacksonville, kisses from my dog, setting up my apartment exactly how I want it, seeing my mom smile, happy tears from a movie, writing, thinking about my future, and spending time with the ones I love. Focus on the good, heal from the bad.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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