By definition, a paradox is "a situation, person, or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities" such as concepts found in "cruel kindness", "faithfully unfaithful", or a crowd favorite, the existence of "Jumbo shrimp". And during one of my frequent introspection episodes, I happened upon a strange pattern of contradictions in my thoughts, actions, and emotions. Soon enough, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that tackling life seemed to be a series of paradoxical moments, which constantly caused conflict of character.
Take myself for example: I am at my core an extroverted introvert.
I want to be useful, but I don't want to be used. I want to help people, but I'm also scared of them. I want to be in love, but the thought of falling in love paralyzes me. I am an optimist to others, yet I'm a pessimist to myself. I want to see the world, yet I find the most comfort and security huddled in my blankets. I want to stand in the light, yet I thrive most in the shadows. I want to be understood, yet I put up a wall that requires numerous walls to be torn down and several keys to unlock the depth of my personality. I try so hard to be perfect, yet I want to be accepted for my flaws. I view all aspects of my life logically and analytically, yet I found my passion and revel in the fiction and make-believe. I want to live in the present, but I'm constantly thinking of and calculating the future. I'm quick at weighing options and determining the most appropriate solutions, believing the way to get rid of a problem is to solve it immediately, and yet instead of taking action, I slowly sift through every other possibility, letting it fester into something bigger. And consequently, in an effort to avoid regret, I only give myself more to regret through my immobility.
But what I also realized in my teetering self-reflection is that these little idiosyncrasies and intricacies are one of the complex things that actually make us human. We are varying degrees of extremes in one body. We are different people in various moments and dependently on varying circumstances. Our very existence is a contradiction in itself: we live to die, yet many of us still die to live. We are not constant; we are fluid. There is a threshold within us that changes as we go through life and gain experiences and our state of being in various points of time determine whether we take a step forward or back, whether we jump all in or hide away. This is why someone selfless can finally realize, after constantly being taken advantage of, when enough is enough, and draw the line to become selfish. This is why some people, who are constantly smiling and positive outwardly, can be battling with the most negative emotions and thoughts.
People say beauty can come from chaos. That Earth's treasures are both on the surface for the world to see, but also buried deep down for the world to discover. For if we don't look for it, we would never know the wonders we were missing. It's easy, however, to look for it around you and even beneath you, but it's the most rewarding yet the most difficult to search for and uncover it from within yourself. Don't be afraid of contradictions...embrace them, for the mess and confusion is what makes us all unique.
