Like many people, I love watching the Academy Awards, especially with a bottle of wine and all my girlfriends. I love seeing everyone all dressed up in fabulous gowns and tuxes, rooting for my favorite actors and actresses, and laughing/cringing at all the buzzy moments.
Like many people, I have not had time or opportunities to see all of the films nominated for the top awards. But I do have access to YouTube; the following are my synopses for nine Oscar-nominated films based on the conclusions I have drawn from watching each film’s trailer.
(These synopses may or may not be accurate.)
Film: La La Land
Nomination: Best Picture, plus 13 other nominations
A struggling, aspiring actress and a jazz pianist fall in love at Christmas time, but I think their personal ambitions will strain the relationship. There are many musical numbers, and the two leads dance in pointy-toed shoes. Seems to be set in both 2017 and 1920? John Legend is also here as the pianist’s wise, sexy friend.
Film: Hidden Figures
Nomination: Best Picture, plus two other nominations
Three incredible, brilliant women who work at NASA help launch a man into space for the very first time. The odds are against them because they are women of color and because Sheldon from that science sitcom is a real d-bag in this role. But they will continue to fight and show all the cranky white men how badass they are.
Film: Arrival
Nomination: Best Picture, plus seven other nominations
Aliens have landed on Earth in giant, gray eggs. Amy Adams plays a linguist who’s put in charge of deciphering the alien’s language. Using their alien alphabet, they write to her on a big glass pane, like how the bad kids on the school bus used to write curse words in the condensation on the windows. I have a strong feeling that Jeremy Renner’s and Adams’s characters will fall in love. I wish they showed what the aliens look like!
Film: Moana
Nomination: Best Animated Feature Film and Best Original Song
Young heroine Moana and magical demigod Maui team up to save their island, which might be Hawaii? There’s an evil volcano monster that’s trying to destroy the island, which further convinces me that it’s Hawaii. Moana also has magic powers that she is just now discovering, and I think they will help her not only save Hawaii but find her inner strength. Moana also has a cute pet rooster, because there’s always an animal pal in Disney movies.
Film: Florence Foster Jenkins
Nomination: Best Actress (Meryl Streep) and Best Costume Design
Okay, this trailer made me tear up. Hugh Grant and Meryl Streep play a married couple in England in the World War II era. Meryl Streep’s character, Florence, has dreams of being an opera singer but can’t actually sing very well. While her voice is a little lackluster, her heart is golden. Her husband and a young pianist help her follow her dreams. She’s also dying, and I think she may die at the end of the movie. But she better sing at Carnegie Hall before she goes or I’m sending a pointed letter to the screenwriter. (Or is it too late for that?)
Film: Nocturnal Animals
Nomination: Best Supporting Actor (Michael Shannon)
Um, who would divorce Jake Gyllenhaal? Apparently Susan, Amy Adams’s character, whom Gyllenhaal’s character, Edward, writes an angry tell-all book about. Susan did something really bad to Edward, so bad that Edward has run away and teamed up with two scary cowboys (one of which is Michael Shannon) to get revenge on Susan. And apparently Tom Ford is behind this whole thing? In that case, I expect everyone to be impeccably dressed.
Film: The Lobster
Nomination: Best Original Screenplay
Lonely, single people are sent to live in a big, English mansion in this alternate universe. If they don’t fall in mutual love with someone else at the mansion, they get turned into an animal for another chance at meaningful companionship. So, obviously you should choose a dog, or really anything that is unlikely to be hunted or eaten in England. But this guy chooses a lobster??? I guess he wants to be sold to a seafood market. The characters also spend a lot of time hunting in the woods, but it is unclear why. Could they be hunting the ANIMALS that didn’t find companionship? That’s messed up.
Film: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Nomination: Best Production Design and Best Costume Design
I know for a fact that Harry Potter had to read a textbook of the same name, so I think this is the textbook come to life. There’s a zoo outbreak of magical creatures in New York. The American wizarding community and Newt Scamander must put all the creatures (which seem to include platypuses and animated bean sprouts) back in the zoo. Newt messes up, though, and exposes magic to the Muggles. These non-wizards will try to burn Newt and his friends at the stake as the wizards race to save New York.
Film: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Nomination: Best Visual Effects and Best Sound Mixing
The Jedis are fighting against imperialism! I’m not actually sure how this movie fits into the Star Wars universe and why it’s not called “Episode VIII.” But my girl-crush Felicity Jones is the star of this movie, and I am here for her. I think she may be related to Rey from “Episode VII?” The trailer reminds me of The Hunger Games series when Katniss leads the resistance. I recognize an AT-AT walker from “Episode V” in the trailer, which I figured out the name of by googling “big metal dog in star wars.” Darth Vader breathes at the end of the trailer.
Don’t forget to watch the Oscars on Sunday, February 26!
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