Four and a half years ago, I started self-harming. One year ago, I stopped. Six months ago, I threw my blade out.
It's been one year since I last self-harmed. One year since I let depression control me. One year since I last caved.
Just because I didn't self-harm this past year does not mean this past year wasn't hard. In fact, this year was very hard for me.
When things got hard, I struggle to not give in. In those moments, I look at the Since app on my phone, watching the seconds tick by, knowing I'm one second stronger. In those moments, I look at my tattoos on my wrists to remind myself that I can and will win.
A few weeks ago, I saw some of my scars. Although they are faint, I know exactly where they are. I know exactly where to look if I want to see them. But that night was different. I wasn't looking for them and when I came across them, I froze.
I started thinking back to the days when I gave in to my urges. Those scars are reminders of those lonely days. The days I was barely hanging on.
Most people don't understand how much pain someone must be in to physically harm themselves. It wasn't frequent for me. It was the days when I needed to feel something, anything than the pain on the inside.
Self-harming didn't really help. Depression told me I was too weak, to push harder against my skin, and to end my life. When depression told me that, I would sit on the floor in my bathroom, in the same spot every time, crying. Crying because I just hurt myself. Crying because I wanted to die. Crying because a part of me couldn't end my life.
There were plenty of days that I was barely hanging on and didn't self harm. I got through those days. I'm here standing strong, one year later. Every day is an accomplishment. Every day that I don't have urges or suicidal thoughts is an accomplishment. Every day that depression doesn't hit hard is an accomplishment.
I've been to hell and back. But I did it. I don't know how, but I did it. Depression didn't win and I'm standing stronger than ever.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7
