October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and it's really important to me. I've seen too many extremely strong women close to me as both sufferers and survivors and this time last year, I wouldn't have believed you if you had told me I would be a survivor, I've decided to share my story, because it's a difficult thing to come forward with, and I encourage anyone who needs help to try their hardest to get it, as difficult as it may be.
I dated a guy for almost four years. In retrospect, in comparison to our whole lives, that's not really that long, but for me, not even 20, and I devoted all of high school to one guy, it was forever. Especially because of how bad it was, how much he mistreated me, and how long it took me to realize it. Everything was fine the first year, maybe year and a half, or maybe I just didn't realize it wasn't because I was so naive. For a while, I could say he never hit me, and for a while, I could say that he only said all those terrible things to me when he was angry. It progressed into him constantly being condescending and accusatory, and it seemed like we were always trying to pick a fight with one another.There were even times where he would literally follow me to see if I was really where I said I was because he was constantly paranoid I was lying to him. I stayed because I remembered how good it was, and I thought that it was something that still could be good at some point in time. I stayed because I thought he loved me, and he did what he did because he loved me.
He made me feel like I deserved it, that I was so terrible that he was supposed to talk to me the way he did. Every time I had an opinion on anything, he would make sure he told me why and how it was wrong, and if I argued my point, I was being a bitch. He was belittling and condescending every chance he got, and he made sure I knew I couldn't get any better than him. Because when you think you love someone that manipulative, anything they say, goes. We used to have fights if I didn't tell him where I was every moment of the day, and he would text me repeatedly if I didn't text back, and call me screaming if I still didn't reply. And here's the thing - it was all because he loved me. And all of this he made seem normal, like this is what a relationship was. I felt like I had to constantly tiptoe around his emotions as to not set him off. For years, I let him silence me, and I've always been a person that needed to be heard. Now, because I was so young and because this went on for so long, I felt like this was just a normal relationship until things started to get worse.
As time went on, our patience for each other wore thin and every time we saw each other, we were arguing. If we went a week without disagreeing on something, we considered that an accomplishment, that's when I started realizing things were unhealthy. That's also when he started hitting me, when he felt like our words got too out of hand, or when he finally had enough of my "back talk." There were times he would literally throw me because his temper got out of hand, and he made me believe that I deserved every bit of it. I wasn't allowed to make plans without him, I needed to see him every night after he got out of work; even if I had too much homework, or I wanted to hang out with my friends - or when I simply didn't want to. Everything I said was scrutinized and I was told what I could and couldn't do with my body, he told me nipple piercings would look trashy and I wore too much makeup - and for a while, I believed him. I let him control me in so many aspects. And I never talked about it with anyone... Everyone thought we were fine and happy. Until things started getting a little out of control too many times. All of my friends knew he wasn't good for me and my mom would never forgive him for everything he had done to me, even though it was my decision to stay with him. There was one point in time I was so embarrassed I was still with him, that I didn't even tell any of my friends we were still together, that's when I knew I needed to get him out of my life for good.
Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, and I took that as a learning experience, but everyone always asks why I didn't leave, but nobody understands how difficult it was to try to leave. He just had me convinced that he did everything for my benefit. And I most certainly tried to leave, numerous times, but I always bought back into the "We can work things out, please stay, I love you," bit he had for me. Finally, when I did leave, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, and of course, when I left, he made me out to be the bad guy. Getting into a new relationship even months afterward was difficult, and I hated that I had that bad experience for so long that that's what I had for the foundation of a relationship. I remember one time I was told "I don't need to know where you are at all times, I trust you," and it hit me, this was so much different and so much healthier. I got out and I learned from it, I learned not to let boys be mean to me and that I shouldn't care what any guy has to say about me because at the end of the day, I'm the only one who's opinion matters. It's crazy how much one person can affect you in such a huge way, everyone who's known me for a while realized the change within me after him and I broke up, I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm more social, I'm the person I'm meant to be, not the one he tried to make me be.
