Congratulations! You’ve made it through yet another Valentine’s Day without anyone to spend it with (the chocolate boyfriend your mom gave to you doesn’t count as a person). So if you’re two seconds away from throwing up if you see one more Instagram picture of a happy couple, which I know you are, follow these steps and forget Valentine’s day ever existed.
1. Brew some black coffee (to match the color of your heart, of course) and sip that shit like it’s going out of style.
It’s been proven by scientists (at least in my head it has) that coffee makes every morning significantly better! Who knew?! So grab the biggest mug you can find, fill it to the rim with black coffee, and allow your insides to tingle with happiness with each sip you take.
2. Mock everyone who received infinite amounts of chocolate and laugh at them when you can physically see the pounds racking on their bodies with each bite they take.
Don’t underestimate them. Even if you’re secretly wishing that they’d FINALLY offer you some, it’s never going to happen. So keep your salivating to yourself and just thank the higher power that those calories are going straight to their bodies, and not yours.
3. And when you can’t handle the salivating anymore, run straight to your car, drive to the closest CVS (speed limits are irrelevant in this case), and buy all of the 1/2 priced chocolate you can find.
As many times as we recite to ourselves, “summer bodies are made in the winter,” we all know that it’s a load of crap, and not one of us is going to turn down chocolate to begin with. Especially when it’s half price it’s like christmas morning all over again.
4. Make yourself a kick ass playlist and dance like you’ve never danced before.
Another fact proven by scientists, bumping music until your room vibrates and dancing like you just ingested three mollys is the absolute greatest cure to any negative feelings that may be weighing down on you. And on top of that, it’s a perfect way to burn off the five pounds of chocolate you just consumed (think zumba…but a lot less coordinated).
5. Organize a girls night with your ladies.
We can all pretend that we’re nice people who have never spoken a bad thing about anyone in our lives, but let’s admit it, we thrive off of drama. So grab your girlfriends, order four pizza pies (four per person, of course), and gossip the night away. Who needs boys anyways, our girlfriends are our true soulmates.
6. Buy yourself a bottle of wine, or better yet, get a bargain deal and buy yourself a box of wine.
Forget the crap ideology that boxed wine is “trashy” and praise the fact that you’re getting 6 bottles of wine in one compact box for $20. Allow your tummy to experience that fuzzy feeling you love so much and drink until you forget your name.
7. Take as much time as you need to make your makeup look flawless. Make people wonder how on earth you’re even single in the first place.
Guys always feel entitled to have a say in how girls dress/do their makeup/talk/act etc. when the truth is, we do everything for ourselves first, and THEN them. Take the time out of your day to apply your makeup flawlessly, and if you don’t know how to apply it, allow youtube makeup tutorials to be your life’s vocation.
8. Treat yourself to a spa day.
If you’re like me and can watch a thousand makeup tutorial videos and still have no idea what the hell you’re doing, take this time to your advantage and treat yourself to a spa day. Completely splurge on a manicure, pedicure, facial, and hair blowout. Don’t stop until you’re feeling yourself.
9. Cook yourself the best dish you know how to make (or just order takeout).
As much as you may enjoy the idea of a guy cooking you a meal, it really does make you feel good to truly enjoy a meal that you know you cooked from scratch by yourself. Find the most extravagant thing you can cook (*successfully* cook, we don’t want to be getting food poisoning) and enjoy every last bite of it...or just order in some shrimp lo mein.
10. Hit the gym…seriously.
Even if you feel like you’re about to throw up from eating those three boxes of chocolate and drinking six bottles of wine in one sitting, drag your lazy ass to the gym. I promise you that when the boys are watching you squat, your confidence level will be boosted about 150 percent.
