Picture a teenage girl in love with her boyfriend of years. He is the star of the football team. He’s well liked by students, teachers, and parents. He’s a very intelligent and well spoken guy. Now picture that guy not giving his girlfriend respect, and it treating her poorly. He yells at her all day and tells her that he controls her actions and beliefs because he is wealthy and will someday support her financially? What if he spends minimal time with her and never asks about her day? What if he calls her hurtful names and tells her she needs to look a certain way? Should she feel obligated to love that boy? Of course not. But with family, it’s supposedly different.
Too often while growing up, I heard the phrase, “He’s your family! You have to love him!” We are all taught at a young age that we are supposed to love our family members because they love us or sometimes just because they’re family. Some people who barely knew me would tell me that “He’s your father. He really loves you. You don’t have to like him, but you have to love him!” I’ll let you in on a secret. Just because he loves you, no matter who “he” is, you are not obligated to love him back. You have no responsibility to reciprocate feelings. To anyone. Ever.
My father was never an alcoholic. He was not a runaway father who never cared about me. On the outside, he was a perfect dad, in a perfect neighborhood, with a big house and a loving family. My family looked like a modern-day suburban fairytale. In many ways, we did fit that role. We were an upper-middle class family in a wealthy neighborhood who showed up to the country club for the weekly barbecue. We all loved each other. But only because we were supposed to, not because we actually came to those feelings organically.
I’m sure my father always cared about me. But something I have recently learned is that just because someone cares about you, doesn’t mean they are treating you right or maintaining a healthy relationship with you. Just because my father really cares about me as his daughter, I am not going to assume that I have not been emotionally harmed by our relationship in the past. I am definitely not going to assume that I will not be negatively effected by our relationship in the future.
Growing up I felt so much guilt for not loving my father the way I was taught that I was “supposed to.” But, if a child went home to a father who had dinner with clients and then went out to the bar with friends instead of being with his family, what was that child going to think of her value to that father? Clearly she was not a priority to him if he was out all night because he spent the whole day “making the money” for the family. If his happiness was not with his family or kids, then where was it? If he didn’t remember one thing about her life, and never asked her a single question about herself, why would she have a responsibility to love that father?
It is always important to remember, if you are not being treated with respect and love, you are allowed not to love that person. You are allowed to let go of them. You are allowed to stand up for your feelings and express them. You are not obligated to have any feelings toward any person. You are allowed to not love your family members if they don’t deserve your love. You are allowed to be in control of your emotions toward other people and not feel guilty about them. You are not “supposed to” love your family. Whoever told you that you’re supposed to love your parents or anyone else, was lying to you. Free yourself from that fallacy and allow yourself to express your true emotions.
