Apocalyptic settings? More like Sunday mornings! Either way, you've survived a trauma and you've got a HEADACHE!
As sunlight finds its way through ominous clouds, a grotesque, hissing figure breaks the barrier of the bagel shop. A handful of humanoids--eyes closed, mouths agape, sunglasses on-- trickle out of an adjacent health food store and pile into a compact vehicle, bellowing SoundCloud EDM and cigarette ashes.
Take the hangover quiz to find out: WHERE YOU ARE and WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE
9pm, Sat: What are you pregaming with?
a. Barefoot Moscato, it's pink!
b. Mixing with crystal light. You hardly *gag* taste the nail polish.
c. I would rather not incriminate myself.
d. Fireball.
11pm, Sat: Where are you?
a. At a mixer grindin' with the bf and 'grammin a pic of my tutu!!
b. Getting booed off stage at The Cellar.
c. Waiting in line for a wristband at the Aardvark, just in case.
d. Wher rBottom. Com awh to bottom. Wher ur rweru avaea;
9am, Sun: Which sense stimulated you awake?
a. The smell of a Starbucks' Egg White Spinach Wrap! Love you, babe!
b. The feeling of a dog licking my face, crusted with I haven't a clue.
c. The taste of a nose bleed.
d. The sound of Latin hymn, blessing me in the name of the Pope??
9:01am, Sun: What is your first instinct?
a. To snapchat my roomie to take this shacker back to gmarc ;)
b. To cry.
c. To call my lawyer.
d. To feel anything at all. Hello? It's so dark.
9:02am, Sun: Your phone is dead, now what?
a. Embark on a rampage of fraternity T-shirt kleptomania.
b. Smoke a cigarette and fall back asleep.
c. Violently verbally assault the nearest living being.
d. GOD!? I promise, I'll never drink a polliwog again!
Bonus:
How do you imagine the end to humanity?
a. Definitely an Armageddon girl!
b. Nuclear warfare.
c. A world-wide infection of the amoeba virus.
d. Artificial Intelligence, probably.
A's: You're in Sherley and you need: Jesus
Time to wash that glitter off of your face and take care of that MORAL HANGOVER, sister, it's Sunday morning!
Did you go to What-A-Burger last night? I saw you eat a HBCB, betch! Good thing you paid in cash-- what mom doesn't know won't hurt her--she's so California and doesn't understand that "it's a Texas thing!"
You're in the blessed shape of your life, but no days off! Head on over to the Aardvark and pray for those who are just leaving it.
Instagram a cupcake, but don't eat it!
B's: You're under a bench at The Woodshed and you need: to answer the call of the wild
You are already under a table at the best brunch place in town, so crawl out from under your bench-bed to order some breakfast tacos and a mimosa.Don't worry, your new dog friend won't care that you already smell like a stuffed-baked potato after being in The Cellar.
When you are finished, leave a generous tip and roll yourself into the Trinity River, because there are videos of you trying to karaoke Eminem last night. The current will take you far away from society, where you will live on your own until being accepted by a colony of mutated turtles. This is your home now.
C's: You're in jail and you need: an Intervention/Exorcism
Lately, your snapchat stories play like a bad episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So, your loved ones have decided to throw a surprise party in jail, but instead of singing "happy birthday," they're crying, "go to rehab!" What do they know? You're the Wolf of Berry Street!
What Would Danny DeVito Do (WWDDD)? It's important to act fast to truly embody the deity you worship and now resemble in both essence and stature: huff glue; shotgun a 6 pack; pistol whip Super Frog (who is very worried about you). Only God can stop you now!
Foaming at the mouth, your rampage will come to an end after you've been tranquilized and wrangled to the ground by the ghost of Steve Irwin and cloves of garlic.
Stay hydrated and take some Advil!
D's: You're in a coma and you need perpetual life support
Technically, you aren't hungover, because you're in a coma!
It's about time you've been getting some morning sympathy—talk about literally dying! But we've all been in a comatose of cognition, perception and communication at some point, so quit whining.
Drink a banana smoothie.
Do you feel that? You're transcending!
