Yes, I'm home for the summer and I have a job. I'm busy. But I can't help feeling like my internal metronome is off. When I'm not operating on school time, I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough to stay productive. This definitely comes from a deeply instilled pressure to do more and be more all the time, mixed with a pretty strong, pervading case of generalized anxiety. I have to remind myself that it's *okay* to relax. In fact, that's kind of what summer break is for.

I have to remind myself about lots of things. I have a planner that I use to keep track of my weekly and monthly schedules, several calendars for reference, and hundreds of lists. Lists upon lists of half-completed projects that need finishing, shows, movies, and books I need to make time for, and preparations I need to make for school and work next year. While this level of organization may help me manage long-term goals, it definitely detracts from my present experiences. I forget how to relax when I'm managing every aspect of my future work and school decisions.

Despite this tendency to strategize and work and rework plans, I never feel like I'm prepared enough. Part of this might be due to rhetoric I've been fed throughout my life about transitions and life stages. In school, even when I was as young as seven years old, it was about getting ready for the next chapter. In elementary school, I was planning for middle school; in middle school, I was planning for high school; and in high school, I was taking tests and going on tours to help move me onto college. From a young age, I was able to recognize that contradiction between the push to enjoy childhood, and the simultaneous pressure to ready myself for the next year, the next age, and the next test of life preparedness.

This contradiction always scared me. I didn't want to give in to such steep expectations (mainly academic,) but I was also always afraid of falling behind the curve. When you're brought up in a high-pressured system that's always working to groom you for the next phase, it becomes increasingly harder to redesign a less hectic lens to use when moving through the world.

This is a cyclical issue for me, and I can't seem to silence that nagging voice that's been in the back of my mind for so many years now, convincing me I'm rapidly falling behind. When I take the time to challenge this voice, the questions for myself become: When is it okay to take breaks? How long should those breaks last? How do I know when I'm working too much/too hard?

Unfortunately, old habits really do die hard. How do I know this? Sometimes I find myself making lists and diagrams about ways to stop overthinking structure in my life (this is ironic, I know.) But I'm going to use those skills to repattern new habits for myself. If I'm addicted to making diagrams, forming lists, and putting pen to paper in order to make any real decisions, so be it. But I'll use that pen and that paper to remind myself that it's out with the old, and in with the new. Slowly but surely, I want to condition myself to stop checking the clock every five minutes, and panicking whenever I realize how long I've been sitting on the couch without creating anything or getting work done. I'm going to fill my room and notebooks with post-it-notes that have gross and cheesy messages like "It's okay to slow down sometimes," and "You're doing just fine in this moment." I will allow myself to relax and enjoy my summer the way it's meant to be spent (lounging, taking care of my body, and binge-watching guilty pleasure shows,) even if it means letting some tasks and to-do list checks fall by the wayside.