I have never hurt myself.
In a moment of distress, I might try to plot a scene where it involves the knife in the kitchen and do something to hurt myself, but it never happens. I want to cut myself, but I can't. It feels like I want to get hurt but I'm too scared. I want to kill myself, but, I'm also afraid.
I sometimes don’t feel alive. The reason can come from family problems, friendships, and relationship with significant others. The moment when I don’t feel alive, I usually talk down to myself. In those moments, I can think of myself as the unluckiest person in the whole world. I see through my lack of what I don’t have.
And I know it is not right.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a cheerful person. I laugh and smile a lot. Not in that weird way, even though some people think I am weird when I do that. I am a pretty happy person. I know there are times where I hated being myself. Thinking that suicide is the only answer.
But those moments just taught me to come up stronger than ever. It gives me the spirit to live life for the better.
In the two lowest point of my life, I had to call the lifeline. I never think that I ever had to dial those numbers on my phone, but, I am glad I did. As the woman answered my call, she had the voice of an angel. She soothed me with her sweet words and reminded me that I am just a little person. She told me that it is acceptable for me to feel helpless at times but there is always ways to solve problems.
The other time I called, a man picked up the phone. I did not feel comfortable at first to talk to him because of his gender but at the end, he helped me cope with my problems. His words are free of judgment. He let me ramble, again and again, allowing all of my emotions to spill out on the table. I let it all out, and an hour just passed.
I felt better after calling the lifeline.
I just wanted to say, if you have ever thought of harming yourself, please call the lifeline. They can provide you the support you need. They will not judge you. Instead, they will try to help you tackle your problems. Maybe not necessarily solve all of your obstacles in life but be a friend to you when you are in a crisis.
I used to think it is odd to ask for help from strangers. I sometimes feel that it is strange that people feel suicidal. Not anymore. It is normal to feel that way and it is even smart when you know when to ask for help.
Don’t harm yourself in any way. Take care of yourself like a newborn baby. Talk kindly to yourself, and love yourself.
It’s true. Sometimes it is just a bad day, not a bad life. The hard tide shall pass. Never give up, never surrender, on you or your life.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
