Before I start this article, let me clarify the purpose of this. I have struggled with depression since I was 15, and this letter is more for closure than anything else. I am genuinely happy and healthy, and this letter is just for those who are struggling now. When writing this, I began to really feel closure on my past, and what I struggled with, and I hope to reach out to people who need help.
By the time you're reading this I'm gone. I'm sorry for the blood on the floor. I'm sorry for dirtying the house, and I'm sorry for leaving parts of me behind. None of this will ever be your fault, mom. I'm in such a better place now. A place where I can finally be free from all the madness in my head. You'll never have to worry about whether I made it home from school, or if I'll wake up the next morning anymore. The worst part is over now and I'm so much happier. I can finally accept myself again. After everything I've put you through, this is the only way I can truly be myself. I caused so much damage at home between you and dad, and everyone else I knew. I know that it will be easier once the grief has passed, and once you realize that this will never be the cause of something you did or didn't do. I will always love you and dad for everything you've ever done for me, but it was time for me to go. I've changed, mom, and that's something that no one can control. I'll miss you like crazy, but I'll always be with you in spirit.
I've always been a daddy's girl since I was little, huh? I'll still be a daddy's girl, even though I'm gone. I will always admire your bravery and strength through this entire ordeal of my life. Thank you for teaching me how to love, and for being my first real love. You are one of my idols, as well as someone I will always admire. Thank you for teaching me all about the real, hard truths of life, and how sometimes it will knock you down. I’m just sorry for always letting you and mom down in ways that I could never forgive myself for. I know neither of you asked for a daughter with depression, or a daughter who was so messed up in the head. I wish I was never like this, because I know how much it impacted your life, as well as mom’s. To watch your daughter die in front of you is something I can never forgive myself for making you see. I can never forgive myself for all the hateful things I said to you, or how I treated mom. I can never forgive myself for hurting you as deeply as I did.
To both of you,
Please forgive me. Please try and forgive me for all I’ve caused and for all the damage I’ve created. I never meant to hurt anyone. I know it’s much easier now that I’m gone and you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m sorry for all the stress, anger, sadness, and grief I have caused this family, because that’s the last thing I wanted to do. Both of you will always mean more to me than I can express, and I’m sorry my goodbye to you had to be this way. I will never forget the first time I really knew how much having you as my parents meant to me. How much all of your love and support really means to me still, and how much you both will always mean to me. I am so sorry, mom and dad. I hope one day you can accept this letter and forgive me for leaving so abruptly. I love you both.
Always your little girl,