The theme song to the hit show "Mash" is titled "Suicide is Painless." With a broken heart, I couldn't disagree more.
February 6, 2016 - This was the day that changed me. This was the day I experienced my first heartbreak. You didn’t allow me to say goodbye or that I loved you, one last time.
February 5, 2016 - The only thing you left me with was “I really did mean everything I had ever said to you. You are the only person I want to be with even if you don’t believe me; I will somehow prove it to you if you let me.” How are you going to prove it to me now? My world was turned upside down. I felt as though I was drowning from the memories running through my head and I couldn’t catch my breath.
February 10, 2016 - The shock of your death and the denial of how you died began to set in. I didn’t want to believe that my best friend was in such a place and in so much pain that suicide was the answer.
There’s a shock factor to suicide. People will ask me how I’m doing or those who don’t know what I’m going through will ask me what’s wrong. Of course, I’m hesitant about opening up about my loss and when I finally get the courage or the strength to open up the look on their faces and the unbreakable silence shuts me back down. All death breaks us down and tears us apart in ways that can never be repaired. Suicide does something worse in the way it forces us to question everything; knowing that we will never find the answers. Yet, we continue searching for those answers.
February 21, 2016 - As the shock and denial faded away, my heart began to ache. I was hurting in ways that I’ve never hurt before. I’ve never had trouble describing pain — but this was different. Everything reminded me of you; every song, television show, every move I made hurt.
February 28, 2016 - Today was the first day I could leave my apartment. Our friends had been reaching out to me to make sure I was OK. They wanted to do something special for you as a group. I knew it was going to be hard to face them. I was scared.
How do you begin this journey? Who prepares you for this sudden change? How do you wake up the next morning knowing the guy you loved, your best friend, won’t be in your life anymore?
March 1, 2016 - I felt myself shrinking. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I tried to shut off the pain and the guilt but nothing was working. I questioned and blamed myself constantly because I couldn’t see the signs. I was the person closest to you and I never knew anything was wrong. Not only was I feeling guilty for not being able to help you, but I felt guilty for being so selfish and thinking only about myself.
What if I responded to your message that night? what if I told you I loved you back? What if i was there by your side? Why couldn’t I have saved you? Why couldn’t you talk to me? Why wasn’t I enough for you to live for? I wish I could’ve taken away your pain.
March 20, 2016 - The guilt, the pain and the sadness were just too much for me to handle so I channeled all the emotion into one: anger. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to me? The only way I could stop myself from hurting was by telling myself that I hated you.
April 2, 2016 - I became numb and pretended everything was OK. I came home to be with my family thinking and hoping that they could make me feel something. Life just isn’t the same anymore without you here.
Today - I am still hurting and I will continue to hurt. Grief is unique; just as unique as the one who is experiencing it. It creeps up on you at odd moments and it’s hard to make sense of it all. I don’t think these feelings will ever go away but it’s OK to grieve and it’s OK to heal. Today people tell me how they admire my strength and how strong I have become through this.
Strength is your ability to fight, to fail, to trust, to love, to succeed and to heal. In weakness I was able to find hope, in darkness I could find light and when broken I began to heal.
Daniel, Thank you for giving me strength.
