I am a successful failure. This is supposed to be a confusing statement, but it is the best summary I can make on myself that is neither negative nor positive. I am neither perfect nor flawed, but a little of both.
I cannot shake what I feel when others look at me and are envious of my life; I seem to sense the envy more so than the pity because I hide the issues almost too well, at least to the point where it seems like I've overcome it. Some may understand what I go through, but see it as an obstacle I have bounded over months ago, which is sometimes the truth and sometimes not.
My failure lies in my lack of ability to stay put. I am uncomfortable in the same spot, yet at the same time, working hard for a goal I fear I will not want in the end and can possibly scare me off of completing it. I try to avoid this fear by viewing it as a pit stop instead of a destination or a career choice. I fear this path because I do not want it to be permanent. I know that I will not be happy with it for life and want to still have the option to move onward up into the future, yet without it, I will never get my foot through the door. The effort I put into my standing now do not seem enough to qualify with the quality of life I want, yet the climb is much scarier than anticipated. I am worried that I will fall and will be scared off of trying again. I do not want to take baby steps, yet I do not want to jump off the cliff and hope I can land in a foot hold.
I am successful in my accomplishments, yet they never seem enough. I am successful for a youth, yet could still be stronger than others, yet feel like I am two strides behind every time. I am who I am to the best of my abilities, yet shiver every time I see someone accomplishing better or at a quicker pace than I.
My elasticity is my downfall and my saving grace. I am flexible in my path, yet at the same time, I want to do it all. I want to write, teach, be seen, be heard, see more, learn more, sing, relax, rule, love and cry all at the same time in a life time. I do not want to settle down and pick one, I do not want to stay with one as an occupation for a lifetime till I no longer enjoy it, but loathe it. I do not want to be held down by anything from jobs, standards, men, women, children, or family. I want to be free.
I want to always have successes. I want to always have failures too. I want to live between a balance of both and never settle for less. I want to always have an open day and an open mind. I do not want to have a set goal or make a promise that I know will change, because I would rather keep moving than stand still. The moment I stand still, the moment I drift from myself and sink at the same time. I want to stay unpredictable, I want to understand me.
