This is a satirical piece written in jest.

Finals week is upon us at last. It’s that special time of the year where everyone has more work than you, and you have more work than everyone else. Sometimes it feels as though Holy Cross students are so overwhelmed that they never leave their study tables for the full week. In fact, if you have found yourself walking around campus unsuccessfully looking for a place to study, you are not alone. A campus-wide poll showed that 99 percent of all students have not been able to locate a table or classroom to study in.

“I mean it’s like every space I would study at during the year all of a sudden has pieces of paper and books on it. Are they going to come get their stuff any time soon?” Complained one student.

Shocking information has come to light that reveals all the blame rests on the shoulders of sophomore Scott Peterson. That’s right, if you thought there was scarcely a place to study it was no accident, as Peterson thought it would be hilarious to go around campus at four in the morning last week, and put random books and pieces of paper on all the tables you love to study on.

I confronted Peterson about his prank this morning, and he said, “Come on, you have to think that’s pretty funny,” he laughed, “I mean everyone just wants to sit at a table to spread out their work, but they can’t because I took them all! Anyway, what the big deal, just do work in your room, I put my stuff there so the tables are technically mine.”

Well Scott, the “big-deal,” is that there are people who wake up early in the morning to try and find a table, only to discover that you left your stuff there for the last week, and that’s just plain not fair.

The Holy Cross administration has decided to put Peterson on probation for his prank, “Let me be clear,” the administration stated in the email, “We will never again let students like Peterson monopolize all of the desks across campus. Furthermore, we would like to reiterate that this ordeal is entirely the fault of Peterson, and the college has no intention of expanding the number of study spaces available.”

So rest easy Holy Cross, the culprit has been caught, and the crisis is at an end. You can finally go back to studying, because all of the tables have opened up. Dinand, science and Stein are filled with unclaimed tables, so go out, study, and make it through the week! Now if I could only find some way to print this …