Upon writing my first article I didn't really know where to start, but then it hit me that maybe I should start with my past. Like most people, I have parts of my past that were wonderful and other parts I just wish I could forget.
Just two years ago, my world was turned upside down in a good way; it was the whole cliche "first love first boyfriend thing", so I won't bore you with the details. Then just a year later, my world fell apart. Once again, another cliche story only this time of the first breakup. I felt so lost and like I didn't know myself anymore. I had just moved to CIU for my first year of college and so I believed that there was no better place I could've been while going through it. My entire freshmen year of college I wandered hopelessly in the dark, trying to find the happiness I felt with my first boyfriend. You think I would've seen the obvious answer being at CIU and all -- but no, I was dumb and longing for human love more than love from God. One way I coped during this time was through writing poetry about what had happened and how I felt.
There is one poem I wrote that really sums up how I felt from the beginning of my wandering in the dark, to how I felt when I finally saw light again. It is entitled "Reflection".
She looks at her clear reflection, a picture of perfection.
She hides behind her mask of lace.
A tear slides down her perfect face,
and as she stares her eyes widen in sudden revelation.
She remembers everything: the hello, the love, the goodbye,
but in the end he left her, why?
All the times she wanted to die,
and the thoughts and sobbing for nothing more than a stupid lie.
She turns away from her reflection, ashamed of her sadness.
Her eyes blur with tears of hatred.
The mask no longer seems sacred;
she tears the mask from her face consumed with anger and madness.
Enraged, she hurls a vase at the mirror shattering the glass.
Her anger fades leaving her drained.
She trembles and aches from the pain.
She walks slowly back to the mirror, hours seeming to pass.
She looks up at her broken reflection, no longer perfect.
Her face now bare and her eyes dull.
Her tears begin to dry and lull,
and as she stares her eyes start to gleam as her hope resurrects.
It took a whole school year and an entire summer to finally realize I didn't want to wander in the dark anymore. I wanted to find who I was again. I've made it my goal of sophomore year to get back to who I was in Christ before I was messed up by my first relationship. I've come a long way, but I still have miles to go. I know now that I will make it there only with God's help; it will not be easy, but He never said it would be.
