There’s a difference between growing up Christian and growing up and developing in your faith.

I was raised in a Catholic family. I went to Catholic school since kindergarten. I was actively involved in my youth group, serving as president for two years. I participated in a youth group that involved multiple church parishes across the city. I attended and worked Christian leadership camps. From the outside, I seemed to have it figured out. I was known as that crazy Catholic, and I would call the friends I made from these organizations "the Catholics."

But something was missing. I would go on retreats and people would talk about these amazing connections they would have with God and how He talked to them that day or how they felt Him or saw Him in their day-to-day lives. During these parts I would sit and nod. I was in the dark. I heard nothing. I didn’t think that this was unusual in any way until I started getting more involved. I didn’t understand what they were talking about, and for a while I didn’t want to.

I don’t know what made the change in me, but I wanted to have a close, intimate relationship with God. The summer before my freshman year of college I had the opportunity to work a leadership camp that had given me so much when I was just a rising freshman in high school. At this camp, something was sparked in me, and I wanted that connection everyone else was talking about. I was spending more time with "the Catholics" and forming deeper bonds with them, a group that I like to consider my core group of friends that is ever changing and ever evolving.

Flash forward to my first semester. I was faltering. I wasn’t going to mass, something I never actively did growing up. I blamed that on habit. I had a non-existent prayer life and no communication with God. The beginning of second semester I decided to sign up for a retreat that changed my life. After this retreat, I was determined to grow closer with God. I started to attend weekly praise and worship and went to mass weekly, something I had never done before.

But then I went into the summer and my world was shook due to family issues. I didn’t know what to do, and I unknowingly turned from God. It’s not that I blamed Him for what happened, I just didn’t understand why it happened to me. So going into my first semester of sophomore year things were bleak. I can’t remember going to mass past the first week in September. And it wasn’t until I attended a retreat midway through my second semester that I found that spark in me. This retreat was put on by college students going through the same things I was, and everyone there seemed to have the spark for the Lord that I wanted. It excited me. It showed me that my goal of hearing God’s voice wasn’t unattainable.

I was tired of being in the dark. I longed for something bigger than me, something I could throw myself into fully, a place where I knew I had a community backing me every step of the way. I’m struggling hardcore with this but ultimately I know it’s OK because others have been through exactly what I’m experiencing right now.

Being a Christian in college is hard enough, struggling or not. You’re used to the hookup culture and numb to thoughts that go against God. We’re so used to hearing and doing things that go against His teachings that it seems normal and right. But it’s not. God loves you and is there to forgive you through the good and the bad. He is a loving and understanding God who just wants to be close to you.

In the process of trying to find God and His voice I learned that it’s OK to struggle, and your relationship with God is called a journey for a reason. Mine has its peaks and valleys, and while I may not hear His voice yet I’m still searching. He will come to me when I’m ready, but I have to be open to listening.