The Struggles of Being an ambivert

The Struggles of Being an ambivert

Why must we juggled between both...

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It is extremely important to balance your sociability and understand where you are on the spectrum. Most times, our social tendencies cannot be explained, but this article gives a brief insight into my sociability. When it comes to classifying sociability, two categories may come to one's mind. Introvert or Extrovert. Most people fall between the spectrum of both, some leaning more towards either end of the spectrum. But what happens when you're stuck in the middle between both? This has been a constant struggle my entire life, especially throughout middle and high school.

Much of this period, I was developing my foundation as an individual, thus, I wasn't too sure what fit to me liking a person. Plainly put, I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted to become. Much of time was spent consumed with these thoughts, which may sound strange for a young teenager. Most teenagers around me were more preoccupied with dressing "fresh", talking to girls, or being the center of attention. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed all of these pastimes as a teenager, but I always wanted more substance than what was being provided to my atmosphere, thus, I become more and more introverted. Cracking jokes or having funny freestyles at a lunch table didn't keep my attention too long, so I focused on what did keep my attention, which was creating a strong foundation for my future.

I remember my freshman year of high school, a friend of mine in the 10th grade asked why I was looking for colleges to apply to so early. To be honest, I didn't have any response as to why I was looking, something just intrigued me to look for colleges during my lunch period. Most days, I would eat lunch by myself in the Guidance department of my school because it was quiet and refreshing. I didn't eat lunch by myself because I didn't know many people or had no friends, I purposely ate lunch alone.

After leaving a discussion based class, I would find myself socially fatigued and needed time for myself. Interestingly enough, I would be one of the students in class that participated by actively listening to my classmates, and chiming in when necessary to effectively contribute to the class discussion.

Other days, I would put myself out in the open and be the person making the funny jokes, or just being silly around my classmates. Much of this behavior would be inconsistent, therefore, when people would see me eating lunch by myself or just chilling, they would always assume something was wrong. I appreciated the fact people cared about my well-being, but it got annoying after a while, and became a lot of pressure to be a person who was always making jokes or being the center of attention. Not saying, I was always put in that position, but more so the expectation to be a certain type of person all the time. Most days, I'm not funny at all, or even interesting for that matter, thus, "something must be wrong with me."

Being someone who is introverted, but isn't too shy to have a conversation can be confusing for people who don't necessarily understand the anxiety that comes with people who have witnessed both sides of your personality. To this day, I still struggle with balancing both my sociability. People that are close to me understand and can deal with my energy and silence, but people that don't know me that well tend to assume something is wrong. At times something might be wrong, but most times I just need time to center myself and regain focus when I feel uninspired, unmotivated, and agitated.

With time, I will get better with creating a perfect balance between my two social tendencies, because I enjoy both being an introvert and extrovert equally.

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An Emotional Smackdown of ME vs ME

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I cannot seem to keep my head above water. I'll be there existing then without warning, the water is filling my lungs. I am drowning and completely unaware of how I got there.

And then, I'm not even in the water.

I am not drowning.

All of this imagery is a noose around my brain cutting off circulation from my sense of reality to insanity. My mind is pulling at the noose and tightening it around my neck. I see my arms reaching for it but then it whispers, "why? Why should you go on? Who do you think you are fighting me? I OWN YOU. I AM YOU."

I cry and the voice in my head tells me the only comfort is in trusting myself...

take the gun

don't slow down

stop eating

stop breathing

die.

When I find my voice and shush my mind by screaming, it only withers away for a while. It flares up and again I am crying in the middle of a workday. I am anxious when I pee. I am sad when I eat. I am angry when I run. I am ALWAYS fucking FEELING something. AND when it's a good feeling, I do not trust it. I am in pain 24/7 and I feel like every lasting moment of happiness or peace is just a ticking time bomb until the next wave hits me.

I am trying to do the thing where I "stay positive" and put face masks on but, I really just want to put a face mask on my brain. Can I please purify my mind instead of my pores for a second?

I have to tell myself things that I don't hear other people say. What's it like to not cry every day?

How does it feel to not feel everything?

Is it amazing knowing you are loved?

How do I get to where you are when I have an anchor around my neck making sure I drown, even when I try to swim.

I fight to stay alive and I am tired.



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