What is beauty? The exact definition of beauty is as follows: "a beautiful or pleasing thing or person." For a long time, I took this definition the wrong way. I absolutely hated myself. I dreaded getting up in the morning because of the acne that covered my face. I couldn't ever try out for anything because I constantly thought I wasn't good enough or because I thought I wasn't popular. I hated the idea of me as a human being so much that I refused to even leave the house without makeup on or baggy clothes that hid me underneath of them. But most of all, I hated myself because of my weight.
I have always struggled with my weight. I would go through phases where my weight would constantly take drastic changes. One month I would be a size ten and the next I'd be a size fifteen or seventeen, even. I believed that the smaller I could get using fad diets or starving myself would make people like me better. I was constantly afraid I wouldn't fit in with my friends, that they would be ashamed to hang out with me. In reality, though, I was ashamed of myself.
I was ashamed of myself because even though I looked happy, I wasn't. I was always worried that my jeans wouldn't fit the next day or that I would wake up two pounds bigger than I had been the day before. I weighed myself every morning. I became obsessed with what was on the scale more than how my body was responding to the constant lack of nutrition.
Every day I had a migraine, every day because I wasn't eating enough. At lunch, I would only eat an apple and drink a water. For the longest time, all I remember eating were granola bars and salad. The only real meal that I had was when I got home was what my mom had made dinner that night, but in small portions. And even then, when I would eat the smallest portions possible, I was constantly obsessing over the number on the scales.
Soon, I gained all of the weight back that I had lost, but honestly, I'm happy that I did. Even though it's sad to look at the tiny jeans in my dresser drawer at home, I know that right now, I'm at my healthiest I've ever been. Just like many girls my age, I understand the struggle of weight loss. I am a statistic, just like the others, but I want to change that. I'm starting to eat healthier, I'm exercising, I'm proud of myself. I look at the positives. I'd rather be working toward a goal than not eating and basically starving myself. I'm so proud of myself.
Currently, I am the biggest size I have ever been due to health issues, but you know what, I'm realizing that the number doesn't matter. The definition of beauty doesn't mean anything about your outside appearance, it means everything about the inside of a person. Just know that I believe in you, you are perfect inside and out, don't let anyone tell you any different. So in saying this, here's my definition of beauty: YOU. You are beautiful no matter the number on the scale or the acne on your face or your race or the clothes you have on, you are beautiful, just remember that.
