It might not seem like it, but I've struggled to make friends my entire life. I remember being in sixth grade, looking around the room at all the kids I had practically grown up with since first grade and realizing that I'm not close friends with even one of them.

I'm not 100% sure if I was actually a loner, but I remember a lot of my time growing up actually being alone at school. The weird thing was that it wasn't that I never talked to anyone. If anything, I got into trouble for talking too much in class. I wasn't bullied and I wasn't popular, but I wasn't not known by everyone. Everyone knew me and they had all talked to me at one point or another. But no one was really my close friend.

Not much has changed as I've gotten older. I've always had bad luck in the friendship department. The worst luck, actually. I only have a few close friends in my life now. One of which, who is practically my sister, lives across the country in New York (Brooklyn to be precise, Anahita would die if I had people believe she lived somewhere other than Brooklyn). I have a handful of people I consider friends that I don't talk to often, just because life hasn't kept us super intertwined (Robbie, I'm talking about you).

I have to say, it's partially my own fault. I'm super picky about who I choose to surround myself with. I've found for the last four or five years that I really don't care about a lot of things that I "should" care about. I guess blacking out on a Tuesday makes you "cool" but I don't find that very impressive. Oh, you took your fake ID to a club last night and got it taken away from you? Sounds awful. Crap, the guy that you've been talking to hasn't texted back in a month? Yes! He's totally still interested in you! Can't go a day without hitting your Juul like 100 times? Yikes, hope your lungs are okay!

I wouldn't say I'm a "straight-edge", but over the years I've found a lot of this stuff less and less exciting (Christ, I sound like a 40-year-old woman who has surpassed her youthful party days).

Even worse is the fact that cliques still exist. I'm a sophomore in college and still struggle with cliques. Jesus. I thought I would live this one down, but nope! Here we are! There have been countless people that I think "Damn, you're pretty cool!", just to find that they are already in a friend group that is not taking applications right now.And they would just die if they had a close friend outside of the friend group, oh no, that would most certainly not be allowed. It's like we're still in high school and that sucks too. I thought we were supposed to eventually get over that, but I'm starting to think that cliques will never dissipate, no matter how old I get.

When a person says "Oh my god! I love you! You're so cool!" and just never follows up? Wow, I literally hate when people do that. If you don't think I'm cool, that's chill, just don't make me think you like me if you don't (if you need a reminder on why lying sucks, please go read my article, "The Problem with Lying"). It's like a cliffhanger that's never resolved.

I'm sure there are other factors as to why I'm so bad at making friends (I might do a full-on "roasting myself" article, that should be fun). Maybe it's the fact that I'm so annoyingly honest or maybe because I'm apparently "intimidating". I'm not exactly sure the reason, all I can say is sh*t's hard. Harder than people make it seem. I wish I was one of those that just made solid friendships quickly, but I'm just not.

Maybe one day, I'll write an article about how I have a ton of cool friends and my struggle no longer exists. But for now, this is what I'm working with.