I’m writing this on the eve of leaving for some major traveling. Now, I’ve never been out of the States - let alone anywhere farther west than Ohio. And here I am about to take a three-week adventure through the Balkans. I’m feeling a lot of emotions about it, most prominently excitement and anxiety. But these conflicting emotions are nothing new for me, and it might be something that a lot of people can identify with. It doesn’t even have to be to the extreme as traveling to a foreign country for weeks, change could be something small like cutting my hair differently or trying out a new restaurant. Regardless of how the change takes place in my life, there’s always the battling feelings of happiness and terror.
Speaking of hair, I’ve been wanting to bleach-dye my hair for a while now. There’s just always been a little voice in the back of my head saying, “Wouldn’t that be so much fun? You’d look so different! And it’s just hair, if you don’t like it you can shave it and it’ll grow back in a few weeks!” I think that’s all true, and I do think it would be super fun to try a new look. There’s something about changing a look, or just change in general, that is exhilarating for me. I remember back to my high school graduation where everything was officially changing. I didn’t cry a lot, as I was completely expecting to, but I felt this adrenaline-like high. It wasn’t because I was excited to be finished or because I was looking forward to college, I think it was genuinely because I was facing change head-on and I felt like I was the victor.
On the other hand, when I feel cornered by change, that’s when I start to panic. I spent the entire summer looking forward to moving into my new dorm and becoming a part of a college - I was so extremely excited. The time came, and in late August I drove with my mom in the passenger seat to campus. As we got closer and closer, though, I could feel the knot in my stomach growing. All my life I had lived in the same house (the same room!) and gone to the same school from Kindergarten through senior year and had the same friends. But that was all about to change: New home, new school, new friends. It was all so new for me and I was starting to worry. I was scared, and I remember my mom could see it on my face. She told me not to worry - as she usually has to do - but I couldn’t shake the dread I was feeling, because everything was about to change and I knew it.
Of course, I think it took me a total of two days at college before I was comfortable and happy and feeling that rush of excitement. That may be my biggest struggle with change: I know I’m going to be so happy once I’m fully immersed into it, but the transition is killer. I’m trying everyday to tell myself that I’m not worried, that what I’m feeling isn’t anxiety but excitement because change isn’t a bad thing! I want to challenge not just myself, but also any of you readers who can identify with this conflicting struggle, to not let the fear of change overpower the love you would feel. We can’t let fear and anxiety rule our lives! It’s time to accept and embrace change.
