Strength, that's all.
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Strength, that's all.

"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives."

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Strength, that's all.

Sixteen years, for sixteen years I did my best to pray daily. I prayed for a relationship with my mother. The mother who had been consumed by this ugly thing called "drugs." They do not discriminate, they don't care if you are a mother, a sister, a daughter. Whether you have a two-year-old to take care of and a husband. Trying it once can ruin not only the life of the user but their families in the blink of an eye.

I blamed myself, I asked God "why me" almost daily, I was an emotional wreck, I couldn't get myself together. I couldn't quite put it together why everyone else was able to spend time with both of their parents but mine caused us to be starred at when we walked into stores. Why I had to sit in random peoples living rooms. Why my mom wasn't like normal moms. I wondered if I had done something wrong to make this happen, to make her become this way, to make her choose this. I was wrong the whole time.

I often blamed God and let him take the fall for HER actions and HER mistakes. Instead of running to him and confiding in him for MY hurt, MY pain, MY confusion.

I struggled daily with the fact my mom was absent from my life and so many of my events, especially seeing all the other moms there so proud of their daughters. That is what hurt the worst. I begged Jesus, please just give me my Mom, let me just have the relationship with her that I want, that is all I need. Everything will be fine once you do this for me. Please. I just want a relationship with my Mom.

And then he did; for a while anyway. But that's what I asked for, right? I got a solid year of daily phone calls and weekly visits sometimes I would spend the night. No normal mom-daughter relationship, but I didn't know any different, I had no idea what one of those was supposed to look like.

But then, it was all gone. It was like a 360. Right back to where we were in the very beginning. I didn't stop praying.

On February 23rd. I wasn't given what I had been praying for, for as long as I can remember I was given something so much better: STRENGTH!!! YES, YOU READ IT RIGHT, STRENGTH. Strength to let go of what my plan for my life was and put it in God's hands. Strength to carry me through every panic attack, every bit of nervousness, every single day.

SEE, I missed it. I was completely blinded by the prayer I wanted answers to, by the grace, the mercy, GOD. It was right there in front of me the whole time, I was just too focused on "my plan" that I didn't give God a chance to show me there was another way, His way. I might not have had the prayer I wanted to be answered, but I got a better one. I was able to be on my own, able to be without her, for once in my life without feeling the pain and the loneliness. He gave me a wonderful support system, A Dad of steel, and people in my life who show me what it looks like to love Jesus every single day, that's more than I could have ever asked for.

Jesus may not give you the answer you want, but maybe it's not the one that fits... Strength my friends.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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