You’ve seen them. You see them through your dorm room window, across campus, while you yourself are bundling up for the three-minute walk across you have campus and you wonder, "How?" Read the hopeless investigation of one brave lesbian from Eastern Connecticut State University, desperately trying to get answers to the question that the nation has been asking for years: How on Earth do white boys stand the wintertime in basketball shorts?
There have been some incredibly cold days this winter, and almost every winter before this one. Although the amount of snow that we've gotten varies, one thing stays constant: the white boy in basketball shorts. Somehow, this white boy has developed powers that the rest of us simply don’t have: the power to walk around in below-freezing temperatures with nothing but a hoodie, basketball shorts, and Nike socks.
It’s truly astounding, and perhaps an evolutionary trait. There can be no other explanation for the way these brave boys make their way across campus.
Despite every effort to interview these enigmas, this reporter has found that most of these white boys simply don’t know what you mean when you ask why they’re dressed the way that they are. It could be that they genuinely don’t understand the concept of “dressing warm.” It could be that they honestly don’t own a pair of jeans or pants that touch their ankles.
However, a few of these inspiring individuals did give a few answers to why they don’t wear pants in the wintertime.
Boy No. 1, who wishes to remain nameless, was interviewed in the hallway between classes in Webb Hall. He seemed startled by the question and shrugged, simply stating, “It’s not that cold.” This reporter, during this awkward interview, had been wearing mittens, a scarf, and a parka.
Boy Who I Passed While Walking Back To Laurel seemed to genuinely not understand the question, and flicked me off when I yelled at him. Then I remembered I was supposed to be conducting interviews, and he didn’t answer the question.
My friend’s father, who doesn’t own a pair of pants, told me that he just doesn’t like wearing pants because they make his legs feel weird.
After a few more attempts to interview randomly selected white boys from campus, it was clear that my line of questioning was leaning a bit toward harassment, so I decided to see what people online thought.
My first Google search of ‘why do white boys wear shorts in the winter’ came back with these more interesting answers.
It’s possible that there are one or two white boys out there who can feel the cold. But has anyone ever met them? White boys who wear long pants are such a rare sight that they can, in this reporter’s opinion, be classified as cryptids. If anyone can find me a picture of a white boy wearing long pants next winter, please contact me or Fox Mulder, FBI Agent.
Combining all these answers together leads me to conclude only one thing: white boys genuinely don’t feel anything.
