It just wasn’t OK. None of it was.
It wasn’t OK how you drew me in and pretended to like me. It wasn’t OK how you got me up to your room, especially on those three nights, and pushed me into it. It wasn’t OK that I said no, and you wouldn’t let me stop.
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It wasn’t OK that you pushed me into thinking that if I just kept going, if I just put up with it, if I just did it one more time for you, that we’d end up together. It wasn’t OK that I said no, I tried to stop and you shoved me down further. It wasn’t OK that I left your room on those nights in pain from all the shoving and forcing.
It wasn’t OK that you ended things the way you did. It wasn’t OK that you told me I was a “nice kid” when I was a year younger than you.
It wasn’t OK that about a month later, you came sliding back into my life like the snake you are. It wasn’t OK that the night I saw you, you promised me nothing would happen. A lot more than nothing happened, and you know it.
It wasn’t OK that when things ended, I left and you followed me. It wasn’t OK that you tried to halfway apologize when you knew damn well you did not mean a word of it. It wasn’t OK that we went for a walk at 2 a.m., and I screamed and cried in your face because I was so hurt that someone could use me this badly.
It wasn’t OK when you lied to me and said, “You know I care about you, right?”
It wasn’t OK when you lied to me, grabbed my hand and said “Nothing is deteriorating between us.”
It wasn’t OK when I tried to snatch my hand away and you grabbed it again, harder this time, and repeated yourself, “Nothing. Is deteriorating. Between us.”
It wasn’t OK that you got to walk around like nothing happened. It wasn’t OK that I was scared and didn’t want to walk around by myself. It wasn’t OK that I had five separate anxiety attacks over you. It wasn’t OK that one of the last times I saw you, the anxiety attack was so bad that my legs were numb.
None of what you did to me was OK, and now who has to live with it? Me, not you.
But, you know what really wasn’t OK? It wasn’t OK that after that, my self-esteem was so low, I got into another relationship that wasn’t OK, all because of how you treated me because I thought I deserved it.
As for you, you know what happened. I barely remember, and we both know that’s not OK. The nights I cried on the bathroom floor, the days we screamed and fought with each other until we couldn’t take it anymore.
It wasn’t OK that I was scared to sit next to you. It wasn’t OK that sometimes I couldn’t lay next to you without shaking. It wasn’t OK that I had bruises up and down my arms from you. It wasn’t OK that I gave my whole heart to someone who tricked me into believing they genuinely loved me. It wasn’t OK when you looked at me and asked, “You think I’m going to hit you again, don’t you?” It wasn’t OK that not only did I think you would, but I knew it would happen again and again and again.
But, that’s the problem with relationships that aren’t OK. It’s a cycle, and you just get stuck – one after another after another. Love yourself enough to break that cycle.
