Every time I take a shower or change my clothes, I can look down and see my scars. I see my scars of depression, anxiety, and dark times. For almost a year, I was heavily addicted to self harm. I thought heavily about suicide. I was convinced the world would be a better and easier place without me. If I were gone, my friends and family would be way less stressed.
But let's move past that. Let's look at the positive side of things.
It's been almost two years since I have cut myself. It took a few relapses and nights of sitting on the floor crying, but I did it. I have some battle scars, but I now use them in a way of strength. I remind myself of how I overcame such a large trial. And since the moment I decided to take control of my life and stop cutting, I have decided to live my life fearlessly.
I am known to be loud and bold. I can sometimes be reckless. I can be overwhelming. I can show my true emotions. But I think it's because I realized how short life can be. Life can be taken away so quickly or it can be threatened quickly. Unfortunately, I threatened my own life but right before I almost ended it, something in my head told me to stop. It told me I have so much more to do. I had so much more to experience. So why hold back now? Why live in fear? Why not take risks? My friend outright told me, "Elizabeth, your lack of fear for doing stupid shit scares me." Yes, I may act rashly or say too much, but I see no reason in holding myself back from the full experience of life.
There's a popular phrase that says, "Good things come to those who wait." I say that's crap. I believe good things come to those who get off their ass and chase them. Good things come to those who take risks, make jumps, and put themselves on the line. It is scary, but I would rather fail than not try at all. If I want something, I chase it hard. If I love someone, I love them harder. It's how I have chosen to live my life.
I have also chosen to use my story as motivation. I use my scars to push me harder. I use it to remind me not to waste anymore time. As Shakespeare said, "Doubts are our traitors that make us lose good we oft might find by fearing to attempt."
