I've been overweight for most of my life and I had no confidence for the longest time. I have a very clear memory from 5th grade. I always wore a tank top with a very baggy sweatshirt to hide anything. I was 10-years-old and already I was trying to cover everything up.

On this occasion, the area had been experiencing a heat wave and I was in my sweatshirt, over-heating. I needed to take my sweatshirt off and I walked around with my arms crossed over my belly even though I had nothing to worry about. Looking back at photos of the younger me, I realized I was never actually that much larger than everyone else. I was always weary of bikinis and felt that my stomach stuck too far out and jiggled too much. I thought my thighs moved more than they should and don't even get me started on that time some rude boy thought it would be funny to play with my arm fat. I want to take a second and talk about the cover photo and why I chose it. It is a picture of me from when I did a production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm sure you looked at that picture and thought that I wasn't overweight, this is partially true. This picture was taken before I hurt my back and before I gained 40 pounds, but I still had severe anxiety about that particular outfit because the shorts were so short and later on in the show, I didn't have the jacket to cover up my stomach or arms. Looking back on this picture now, I feel stupid. I had nothing to worry about (and my legs look bomb) but because of the culture I was raised in and because of the people who surrounded me, I was terrified to waltz around on stage feeling so exposed.

For a few years, late middle school to early high school, I began to embrace my flaws and learned to love myself. I was doing flying trapeze and yoga. I was amazed at the things that my body could do. That is, until I hurt my back rendering me useless.I couldn't work out and I did my best to eat healthy foods, but the stress of being a teenager and school work sometimes overwhelmed me and led to not-so-healthy food choices. During my sophomore and junior year in high school, I gained 40 pounds.

At this point, I would like to add that I'm not obese, I'm just not a size two. Because of the culture I was raised in, I have always perceived myself as fat which isn't entirely true. I am overweight, but I'm still a size 8 (which is a very recent development), so I'm not "fat," I'm just not skinny. Because of this idea, it wasn't exactly easy for me to see skinny girls complain about their non-existent muffin tops and bitch about wanting to lose half of a pound (Yes, it really happened). Whenever I chimed in with "I need to lose at least 20 pounds," I was always met with "No! You're beautiful!" Here's the problem with that, there is a certain type of girl who has been taught that she must work her body into exhaustion in order to fit the mold society has deemed to be the "right" girl. These are the girls who see someone like me, who can't work out all that often and is chubby, and they condescend with encouraging phrases. Hidden in those words is the tone of disgust and frankly, it's hurtful. These are the same people who think they can fix you but they just can't. The problem is deeper than looks for me. I wasn't handed "the perfect body," in fact, my body is pretty messed up which got me here in the first place. I was finally able to begin working and slowly but surely, I've lost some weight. The last time I checked it was 16 pounds which felt amazing.

I've come a long way to accept my body, for all its faults and flaws, but it's beautiful and everybody is beautiful. I've felt ashamed to wear a bikini since I was 10-years-old. I've spent eight years trying to convince myself that I was worthy of a bikini and that no one is gonna judge me but I was judging myself. I still have some bad days where I wake up and hate my body but I'm now having more good days than bad where I can wake up and wear whatever the hell I want because it's my choice. I don't care if somebody on the beach is judging me. There's so much stigma around the "perfect beach body," and "looking your best." Well, I say screw it, the only reason these magazines get away with this kind of torture is because we let them. I've decided for me, that I will no longer listen what anyone else has to say about my weight (unless it's my doctor) and I may always be the fat girl in the bikini but I'm hot as hell and anyone who really cares about would never tell me otherwise (unless the color of the bikini made me look like death because I'm pale enough as it is and don't need to be washed out any further.)