The hunger for romance, connection and love gnaws, at some degree, on every person’s heart.
As a single person, I find myself encountering hordes of inquisitive individuals who take interest in my love life. Despite having innocent intentions in their curiosity, their inquisitions often do more harm than they do good.
While the following four statements may seem commonplace in discussions now-a-days, perhaps it’s time they take the back seat to some more mature alternatives.
1. “So, are you dating anybody?”
Why it sucks:
For starters, if someone is in a relationship you usually know. If you have a level of friendship or closeness with someone, they should share with you an important life update, such as a new boyfriend or girlfriend.
If they aren't telling you, then there's a reason, and their privacy should be respected. But, first and foremost, if you don't know if someone is dating, it's probably because they’re not, so please don't ask them.
A Helpful Alternative: “How are your relationships going?”
Asking a more general question like this is much better than asking about someone’s dating life. This allows someone to share valuable information about the various relationships of importance in their life, paving the way for more meaningful conversation than the close-ended question on dating.
It also takes away the pressure of making someone feel like they should be in a relationship, while also giving them space to share information about their romantic life out of their own volition.
Overall, asking an open ended question like this is much better than simply asking if someone is dating or not.
2. “You're young. Just go out and have fun!”
Why it sucks:
First off, fun is both relative and a bit undefinable. What is this "fun" you speak of, and why do we have to be young and single to have it?
Fun is different depending on the person. For some (like me, for instance), fun can be playing video games or working out. Others find adventures in the woods or exploring an abandoned asylum exciting. Often times, when someone says to go out and have “fun,” what they really mean is “date freely and hook up when possible.”
Honestly, that's not fun. That takes a lot of work. And time. And money. I'm single and being free to waste all those valuable resources to do so is stupid. So, yeah. Stop telling people to “go and have fun.”
A Helpful Alternative: “What are some recent hobbies or activities you’ve been enjoying?”
Maybe it sounds a bit pretentious, sure. But, asking a question like this gives you a window into the endeavors of another person.
It also allows you to encourage the person’s growth in their respective area of interest.
Instead of focusing on a moment of trite pleasure from a night on the town, the focus shifts to developing life long activities that contribute to an overall sense of wellbeing. You’re young, so pursue what brings you joy not just what brings you pleasure.
3. “Just be patient, it will come eventually.”
Why it sucks:
Again, this ignores the reality that should be pretty apparent. Do you see a person rushing into a relationship with the first breathing thing to take an interest in them? No? Then it probably means they're being patient (at least a little bit).
While it's true many people find it difficult to start a relationship, difficult doesn't mean impossible. In a world where ease is the norm (think Tindr), finding someone to soothe our loneliness is easier than ever.
But, if you see someone refraining from chasing after every cutie that crosses their path or from spending nights swiping left and right, it probably means they are being patient. So please, refrain from telling them to do what they’re already doing. It doesn't help.
A Helpful Alternative: “I know it sucks, but you’re doing a good job.”
Instead of focusing on what isn’t seen (and not everything is seeable, mind you), focus on what you can see.
Encourage the patience someone has displayed. Take note of moments when someone operated in good discernment or decision making when they didn’t settle for what was easy.
People need encouraged, so encourage them. In a consumer culture focused on ease and pleasure, everyone needs to be encouraged when they go against the culture grain and choose patience over immediacy.
4. “Focus on trying to embrace your singleness right now.”
Why it sucks:
Think about this question in reverse. What does not embracing singleness look like?
Not embracing singleness means adopting a stubborn refusal to move forward in life unless a relationship is had. It means halting all your hopes and dreams because Mr. or Mrs. Right is taking too long.
Do you see someone throwing in the towel on life and forsaking the world for a bucket of tears, Netflix and junk food? Probably not. Which means, at some level, they have accepted being single and that's not changing anytime soon.
Yes, we should learn to accept being single, but that doesn't mean we should stuff down the reality of our desires.
If someone is choosing to be honest with you about the desires of their heart, don't explain them away by telling them to embrace where they're at. They're trying, and it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Just let them cry a little and go back to embracing tomorrow, okay?
A Helpful Alternative: “How are you handling being single?”
Try asking questions that get to the heart of the matter. Ask questions like, “How are you handling being single?” or “Has it been hard, or are you doing okay?” Give people space to be honest with where they are at and then just listen.
I repeat, listen. Chances are the majority of what you have to say has been said before. Do away with common condolences and focus on encouragement that comes from the heart.
Start giving people the time and space they need to process their emotions and be okay if that doesn’t change overnight. We were created to be relational, and our desire for companionship isn’t a bad thing.
Instead of embracing singleness, we should also embrace our emotion about our singleness. If we don’t, we’ll be like a shaken soda bottle building with pressure, waiting to explode into a moment of depression, rage or a slew of one night stands.
