Unfortunately my family has experienced a lot of death. I lost two major people in my life before the age of 16 and watched my family lose themselves through it, all within a three year time span. It is something that I never want anyone else to experience, but unfortunately it does. I watched my mom and aunt lose a father, I watched my aunt lose a husband, and I watched my cousins lose their father before they even entered middle school. Seeing something so awful happen to my family is something that will haunt me forever. Experiencing that amount of loss before I could even drive was shocking. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel or react because everyone around me was doing it differently. Now, I have learned that there is no way that you’re “supposed” to grieve, and it’s okay if you’re not “over it” because something major and traumatic has happened to you.
Oftentimes I get asked why I’m not over it yet, it’s been so many years that my feelings should just go away for someone I loved so dearly. It sounds selfish, right? For someone to say that? Because it is. Do not try to advise me on how I'm supposed to handle it because you don’t get it. Sometimes I don’t even get it. But we’re going to try.
Everyone grieves differently.
I think this is something that everyone should always remember when dealing with a loss. Something else I get a lot is, “Well my so-and-so died three years ago and I’m over it now,” or something of the sort. Great, I’m happy for you that you have gone through your healing process, but mine is not the same as yours. Some people can cry for a few days after losing someone and never cry again. Others refuse to talk about the situation, and that is how they choose to grieve. Some people go to therapy, others don’t. Some express their emotions through anger when they are having a particularly hard day, and some express them through sadness. It is important to remember that everyone is different and every situation is different. Just because you dealt with loss a certain way does not mean it will work for someone else.
There is no timeline for grieving.
This is one that really fires my cracker. Nothing infuriates me like someone saying “your so-and-so has been dead for x-amount of years, you shouldn’t be upset anymore.” I have had a lot of mean things said to me, but this is something that offends me to the core of my being. Do not diminish someone’s emotions because you feel that they aren’t doing it right. There is not a timeline that tells me when my sadness is going to be over. It’s not like it hits the one year mark and you’re over it and okay, because you’re not. I often compare grief to a marathon with no finish line. There are mile markers to tell you how far you’ve come, but you just keep running. The miles increase as the years go on, but you never find the finish line. You keep progressing and progressing but you never fully heal. And that’s okay.
The loss of your loved one is no more significant than mine.
It absolutely baffles me that even in grief people try to one-up each other. I am very open about the loss I’ve experienced and I don’t know how to handle myself when someone says, “well I lost my *insert family member* so how do you think I feel?” I am sorry that you lost someone as well, but your family member is no more significant than mine is. You have no right to put someone’s feelings down because you feel that you deserve more pity.
Although there are more aspects to grieving, I think that these are very significant and something I think everyone should keep in mind. Losing someone in your life, whether they are a family member or not, is something that changes a person after it happens. It is important that we acknowledge grief instead of pretending like it isn’t there. If someone in your life is grieving it is important to be there for them and most importantly be understanding. If they don’t want to talk about it or if they want to tell you the story 900 times, listen to them. When someone is grieving they feel like they are alone and that no one understands what they are going through. Be that person to somebody.
And if you are that somebody grieving, remember to look at your own mile markers. Look at how far you’ve come and all of the progress you’ve made. Don’t be discouraged if you never reach the finish line- we can keep running together.
