Do you ever get tired of trying to keep it all together? It really hit me hard a couple weeks ago. I got close to either blowing up or breaking down in front of people multiple times. And no, nothing was all that wrong. I couldn't even peg what it was. I felt like there was nothing I could do to feel known or loved or accepted as me. I had to keep being strong. I had to keep being the perfect version of myself. There was something in me that just felt off. Some sort of purposelessness had sidled into my heart. I felt drained, and I didn’t know why.
It's like I had this little switch in my brain that kept getting turned on and off, off and on, draining strength out of me faster than it would if it just stayed in one place. I was tired of acting like I had it all together. I was tired of hiding my weaknesses from other people. We work hard, we don't mess up, we stick to our goals. We strive to perform, and we aim to please. We get wrapped up in other peoples’ perceptions of us. It never seems to be enough. It never is enough. And it's exhausting.
I've realized that I am not strong, I am never going to be strong, and I've got to stop telling myself that I am.
The world tells you to believe in your strength and your independence. I'm telling you to accept that you're weak and dependent. It's not realistic to get it all done and conquer the world all on your own. That is a lie to the way that God created us. He created us to be fully dependent on him, so our little try at independence is all an act. While this may sound super negative, I have found it to be incredibly freeing. When my strength wains, I have a Helper whose strength is abundant. When I pull and strain and push and do everything in my power to shift the little stack of worries in front of me, I have a God who can move mountains on command alone. When my muscles tremble from the weight of what I am trying to carry, He’ll gladly carry it for me. I just have to ease my grip and let my hands open up. His were the only hands that were meant to carry my burdens.
So next time I am losing it, next time I feel like I could yell and scream, next time I want to cry when I wake up in the morning, I’m going to try to just let go of whatever I've got my fingers wound tightly around. I’m just going to loosen my grip and hand it over to God because He is ready to carry it for me. My knuckles were white for nothing, and I’ve got callouses from gripping my burdens too tightly. I have created a struggle for myself that didn't even need to be there. Hardship will inevitably come, but I am not going to create unnecessary problems for myself by holding onto what isn't mine. I want to be fully dependent on God because it is only when I accept my weakness that he can lend me his strength, and his strength is the only thing that was meant to carry me.
"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength."
Isaiah 40:29
