When I was a child, I was told to ignore the people who annoyed or exasperated me. It was a way to prevent the bullies on the playground from getting the attention they wanted. Somehow I manipulated this and began ignoring the events that hurt me, stuffing down memories into the darkest depths of my subconscious, hoping they would never surface.
But they did surface, nearly 13 years later, and my oh my did they cause a stir. I will forever be indebted to Palm Beach Atlantic University's counseling center. They provided a safe environment for me to grieve and to curse (and later on, to forgive) the man who took me without permission. I was allowed to be angry and scared, but never to ignore what happened. I had a sort of mantra that I used almost every morning: "It happened. It wasn't my fault. It might hurt, but it won't control me, because I belong to God, who loves me." I have been so blessed to have friends who let me be open about what happened. To those who have listened, I thank you from the recesses of my heart. But I know that all too often, boys and girls with stories like mine are told to hush. They're told that what happened was in the past, and that it doesn't matter since nothing can be done about it. They're told that it's shameful to talk about such nasty things, or to make up such horrid lies. If they're Christians, sometimes they're even told that what happened to them shouldn't be an issue anymore, since they're a new creation.
Don't get me wrong, it's good that talk of sexual abuse and rape makes us uncomfortable. In fact, it should make us uncomfortable—it isn't easy to look at depravity like that in the eyes without flinching. Yet we must. We cannot ignore something as serious as this simply because it breaks cultural taboos and makes us squirm in our chairs. We must talk about it. The secrecy and shame of sexual abuse is what gives it power and potential to rob its survivors of hope and healing. Elie Wiesel said, "Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." When we keep quiet about sexual abuse, we effectively tell rapists and abusers that what they're doing is fine, and that we'll let them continue on unhindered.
The problem isn't going away. One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually assaulted before turning 18 years old. We have to make a change, and we can start by not ignoring those who have said something, and by creating a safe environment for those who have yet to tell their stories. It's okay to not know exactly how to respond, but please don't turn us survivors into a project that needs fixing. Remind us that it wasn't our fault, and be there for us. Therapy or counseling isn't a bad suggestion at all, because counselors and therapists are trained to help us take the next steps toward healing and wholeness. Just please don't tell us to hush. Stop ignoring what we've endured.
If you know anyone who is experiencing sexual abuse or if you see it somewhere, please call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800.656.HOPE(4673).
