I’m not one of those people that easily accepts the things that are out of my control. I’m one of those people that needs a plan, needs structure, needs to know every little detail. I don’t like to be surprised, and I don’t like last-minute changes in plans.
It’s just the way I am.
I always thought that there would be some type of signal for when I would meet the person I’m supposed to be with. I don’t know. I kind of expected a flare of some sort. Maybe a sign directly from God that said, “this is the person you’re meant to be with.”
I also thought that I was going to write the next "Great American Novel" and own a farm of Labrador Retrievers. Just because I plan things doesn’t mean they’re realistic.
There was always this notion that the first time I ever fell in love, it would be with the person I would eventually marry and settle down with. I always believed that it would be after I graduated from college, when I was an established writer (or whatever career I eventually decide on), and when I’d truly lived the life I wanted to as a single person.
It didn’t happen that way.
I was eighteen years old, fresh out of high school when I met my best friend. At the time, the only thing I was focused on was color coordinating my dorm room with my roommate and the rush of starting college. Instead, I met this random person that I didn't really care for at all.
Over time that changed, but it was still this defining moment. I met a man that changed my life and soon became my best friend, then a lover.
And the rest was history.
Every time that I’ve tried to control my relationship, it has backfired. I mean control in the sense of trying to make it something I wanted rather than letting it develop naturally.
The point is, as much as I planned for a certain life, I never planned on him. There are times when you meet people and they just wreck everything. But, sometimes, that wreckage is ultimately the best thing that has ever happened to you.
There are times when the last thing you ever expected to happen (a promotion, a pregnancy, a tragedy) happens and it changes everything. As someone that values control, I had to learn this. I had to learn that I’m not going to be able to fit my life into a self-designed mold.
I had to learn that the aforementioned mold wasn’t the only thing that would make me happy.
Ultimately, it’s a struggle.
Life is a struggle.
Love is a struggle.
And trying to control every little thing that happens just makes life harder. There are some things that can be planned, and there are some things people should leave well enough alone.
The moment you relinquish control of your heart and the imagined future you have, the moment you'll be able to live rather than plan. I'm not saying give it all up. There are things that need to be planned and there are moments when you have to take control of your own destiny.
But, I'd rather love someone and lose them than have never loved at all.