Dear Self,
You know those walls you put up every time someone starts to get close to you? Yeah, you know exactly what I’m talking about. When are you going to learn that they do you more harm than good? Besides, if you truly care about that person, you know you’re going to let them slip through the cracks in that wall anyway, regardless of how afraid you are. Because that’s why you put up those walls to begin with, you’re afraid. No matter how much you hate that word, how much you absolutely hate that emotion, you know that is the actual reason. Not because you’re being careful or because you’re just a private person.
You are absolutely terrified to let anyone close to you because you have been kicked when you’re down and drug through the dirt so many times by so many different people. You think you’re not worth wasting anyone’s time. After all, the only thing you were ever good for when it came to other people before was being someone’s scapegoat, so why would anyone ever care enough about you to actually want to be there for you?
Please, for all that is good in this world, stop. Stop pushing people away. Stop being afraid. I know you’re broken and don’t want to risk losing any more pieces of yourself, but you can’t start fixing yourself until you find the people who will supply you with the glue and help you find those pieces. Because here’s the thing: you are so tired. You are burnt out on life and you just simply cannot do it on your own anymore. This is so hard for you to admit to yourself, but you can see it on your own face when you look at yourself in the mirror, you can see it in your eyes how worn out you are. You know there is nothing good waiting for you if you continue down the path you are currently on.
So the best way to remedy this? Well for starters, stop pushing away your best friends because you’re definitely not fooling them either. When they ask what’s going on with you, give them an actual answer. Don’t just tell them that it’s fine or that “you will be fine.” Tell them what’s going on in your head, and if you can’t turn the thoughts into words, write it out for them. They understand you suck with words and emotions and they will wait for you to figure it out.
Another thing, when you start having interest in someone as more than a friend, stop freaking out and running away. I know that type of closeness is the absolute scariest to you, but honestly, if that person comes along, you will need them in your life. You think you’re not worth loving, but seriously, there’s someone out there for you. Have a little bit of confidence in yourself and maybe do something about those feelings because dwelling in your puddle of self-loathing is going to leave you in that forever alone club.
One last request: In a few days when you’ve gone against everything you just wrote, please read this again and remind yourself that you are not worthless and you deserve to have people who care about you in your life.
Sincerely,
Your very concerned self.
