After my last relationship ended, I decided that I needed to put myself first for once. So far, it has been incredibly liberating to finally be working towards my goals, getting involved in as many organizations as possible, and building better bonds with my friends. Of all the changes I have made in my life, this one has made me the happiest. However, I am concerned that I’m allowing myself to become somewhat emotionally unavailable.
I have no problem opening up to my friends, because I love them more than anything and I know that they would do anything for me — just as I would for them. But when it comes to a potential romantic interest, I completely shut down. I can name more than one occasion where I met a guy who told me he wanted to get to know me better and my immediate response was “yikes, bye”. The idea of opening myself up to another person in a romantic sense freaks me out to the point that I have a knee-jerk reaction to cut and run. Why do I do this? Because my previous relationship was so unhealthy that I’m still in the process of rebuilding myself. I’m over him… in fact, I’ve never been happier to have someone out of my life. What I’m not over yet, is how insignificant he made me feel in the last couple months that we were together.
There’s an underlying part of me that is perpetually afraid that this is going to happen again and that I will be right back where I started. But there’s another part of me that tries to see the good in people and continues to be the voice of reason when I feel the need to run away from my feelings. I am completely aware of the fact that being emotionally closed off is unhealthy. I’m also aware of the fact that I am essentially screwing myself over by being so emotionally detached. While the nervous part of my brain tells me that opening myself up to someone allows for the opportunity to be hurt by them, the voice of reason reminds me that closing myself off from people diminishes any possibility of actually finding a healthy relationship.
And I don’t think I’m willing to keep closing myself off like that.
