Feeling like you have to hide yourself from the world just to be accepted is a feeling that drives some to take their own lives. It's that deep and that dark of a place to be in. You consistently feel the need to lie to the people you come across . You paint your toe nails in the dark just to feel like yourself but feel forced to cover them up with socks so that no one catches on. Or that Nick guy in your phone is actually a Nicole girl that you are madly in love with. The lies you tell them are ways of you crying out.
When I came out it was over social media, and of course in our generation that was the biggest way of doing it. I didn't think about how big of a deal it was, but I guess I was just that love struck. I fell so hard that it didn't even cross my mind that I was about to come out to the world. Everything that I was hiding and keeping a secret went out the window the minute she stole my heart.
By a click of a button, the whole world knew. All that I had hidden in those years leading up, just all spilled out on the table. It happened during the school day when her and I became "official." Word was getting around. After practice that night I went home and walked into a family meeting that my mom wanted to have. I was the star of the talk.
I couldn't make eye contact with any of my family. I was too scared to. My mom started off with..so what's this on Facebook showing that you're in a relationship with a girl? My answer came out with me looking at the ground and my palms sweating like I just came out of the sauna. I looked up to everyone staring at me. Then, with a gulp, I replied with..."Yes, it's true that I am dating a girl." My family looked at me with blank stares. It seemed like eternity until someone said anything. Finally, my mom said "This must be a phase you're going through." I felt my heart drop, and could feel my eyes start to fill with tears, but then she added ,"but we love you no matter what. We will always be here for you through everything." I knew my moms hesitation came from our family being religious. However, her reaction assured me that I wasn't going to lose my family.
The next day, my Facebook profile was up on the computers in the school's library, by classmates who couldn't believe it. It was all because I didn't fit the criteria of looking like a lesbian. ( which it baffles me that people think you can only look one certain way for that). Yes, I am a girly girl who wears lipstick and walks in heels. I was the talk of the school and quickly became the talk of the town. Soon after, I kept getting prank calls with people asking me if I was really gay. Someone decided to write my name on the sidewalk in the park saying, " Call to see if I'm really gay or just faking it." To add to that, a few of my friends went off on me. Surprisingly, they were the first ones to call me names because they said "it made them look like they may be into girls too since they hung around me all the time." Needless to say, it was a pretty rough first couple of months.
Fast forward to six years later and things couldn't be any better. The people that I was worried about the most, my family, have showed me love and support. They now know it's not just a phase. They respect me for who I am and to whom my soul gravitates to. I was strong enough to hold on, hoping that things would get better from me. I felt like an animal at the zoo, everyone was watching my every move. Living in a small town in the Midwest, this was a big deal since it wasn't common there. After I came out four other girls came out right after me. I felt like I did something right, not just for myself but for them too.
We are only given one chance to write our own book. So don't waste it trying to fit into the life people want you to live. You have be true to yourself in this process, you deserve at least that much. And while a lot of people will give you a lot of love, you are also going to get hate. You just have to take that hate with a grain of salt. Not everyone is going to agree with the way you live your life but that is okay. All you have to do is be happy within yourself and all of the love with flow from there
Stepping out into who you truly are will be the bravest thing you do in your life time. It may the hardest but trust me when I say that life does get better. You just have to hold on and believe that light will shine through. It's all in how you approach it and the attitude you carry. Life will be whatever you make it out to be. So make this a good one, with nothing holding you back.
" Courage is being yourself everyday in a world that tells you to be someone else." - Unknown.
Believe me when I say that your life is too beautiful to be hidden in a closet.
