I looked into her eyes and said, “I can’t see them! Open them as much as you can, so I can see.”

“I am!!!” she exclaimed.

That night, like many nights at this large university, had been very eventful and full of the ordinary good and bad. This girl brightened up my day, just by offering her presence. She was the girl I—so I thought—loved at the time. As a matter of fact, she was thee girl—again. . . so I thought.

My friend, whom I will refer to as Stella in this piece, had been with me during the most tumultuous times of my life. She taught me what it meant to hold strong feelings for someone else. She taught me way more than I could have ever imagined—in all the eight dimensions of wellness. Prior to my semester at this university, I was focused heavily on my academics and career goals. Rarely, if ever, did I pay attention to people on a more romantic level. In addition to that, I followed Catholicism’s doctrine pretty closely (i.e. I had gone to 3 or 4 Catholic/Christian retreats by the time I met Stella).

I didn’t really expect to fall for this woman. Stella, well. . . she wasn’t exactly whom I had envisioned as the girl for me. Briefly put, Stella was the rose filled with thorns almost invisible to the naked eye. I, at 20 years old, was the cool breeze that flowed gently across the field of roses—leaving them untouched, ready to move on to the next field ahead.

There was something about Stella that just seemed to draw me to her. No, it wasn’t the typical male thought of “good looks.” Stella was physically attractive, by all means, but her uniqueness set her apart. She did not care about what people thought of her. She did not mind acting goofy in front of others. She was highly intelligent, although she would constantly refuse to accept that as truth. I can go on and on about this girl, but there was a huge problem with the “friendship” I had developed with her during my time at the university.

See, Stella was not single. Yes, I know. The worst part about it was that we may have crossed each other’s boundaries several times. Our “friendship” was hard to really put a finger on. No one really understood how we cared for each other on a personal-basis. We both seemed to enjoy each other’s company. She was the woman I would have said “yes” to in a heartbeat. But, again, she was not single.

This made me question many things. My religion, my morals, my identity, our humanity, our society, and much more. The person I questioned the most though was Stella.

What kinds of feelings did she have for me? One night, she admitted to having a “little bit” of feelings for me. One night, she fell asleep on a couch in one of our study lounges late at night, and I stayed awake by her side, making sure no one caused her harm.

Stella was, and still is, amazing. She continues to hold the title for being my first crush. But, crushes are known as crushes for a reason.

I wondered if I could ever love a girl like that again. Would I ever see a woman the same way I saw Stella? Being that they say our eyes are the windows to our soul, where presumably the truth lies, I asked Stella the night that we were moving out of our dorms,

“Can you open your eyes for me?”