I knew this day would come. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Yet, I never imagined it would be this hard. This feeling inside, that I can't quite explain, is one I never asked to feel. One that a wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One that I'll never forget.
In just a few short weeks, I'll be heading off to MVNU and I'll be one of the few experiencing this feeling. This longing. Emptiness.
I knew this day would come, but I never knew it would be this painful. No one told me that the pain of losing her wasn't nearly as bad as the pain of missing her.
It's been nearly 12 years since my mom left this earth, but this is the year that has hurt the most. When I leave for school this fall, when I arrive on campus, I'll only be hugging one parent. Sure, I know my mom would be so proud of me for going to college... but that doesn't take away the pain of her not being there to wish me well.
I'll hear my roommate call home to talk to her mom and will wish I could do the same. Yes, I can call my dad, and I will, but it won't be the same. When I changed my major, I wanted so badly to tell my mom. I longed to be able to hear her say, "Oh honey, I'm so proud of you. You'll be such a great doctor."
Again, my dad has said it. My family has said it. My friends, teachers, church-family... yes, they are all proud. They all are on my side. But nothing compares to the wishes, confidence and love of a mother. I won't get care packages, birthday cards, or surprise visits from her like many of my classmates will. She won't be there for graduation. She isn't there to call and tell her about the guy that asked me to be his girlfriend. I won't be able to call her to cry and let everything out when things become stressful. She won't be there to see me off to medical school.
While all of these things will be dealt with, and most with a smile, it doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away the wonderings of "how would she react if she were here?" I am who I am because of every event that has occurred in my life, including the death of my mom, and I wouldn't change a single thing. But I'll always wonder.
