Dear Valued Starbucks Customer,

Thank you. No, really, thank you so much for your constant loss of hundreds of dollars a year on what is really a few gallons of liquefied caffeine. Without you all I wouldn't be able to have my complementary Spotify Premium, my $12 an hour plus tips, my free drink or food item each shift, and most importantly my employee discount. All because for some reason, we as people, have decided that caffeine is the most important thing in life to keep us awake and focused.

Here is a fun fact for all of you, while it is true that Starbucks has a certain prestige to it, all of the employees do not follow under the same category. I cannot offer you the explanation to why dark coffee is different than blonde is different than espresso, is different than cold brew. As far as I am concerned, they are all the exact same thing coming from the exact same plant, only we prepare each item a different way. What I can tell you without a doubt is that a venti brewed coffee in my town is 2.65 while a grande caramel macchiato is 5.14 and a vanilla latte is 4.35. What you non-baristas do not know is that even though a caramel macchiato is close to a dollar more expensive, it is basically a vanilla latte except it has a tiny amount of condensed sugar drizzled on the top that is supposed to resemble the taste of caramel. However, I will gladly accept your form of payment, including the upcharge, because that is what is required of me in order for me to keep my paycheck.

For all you dieters and calorie counters out there, I am telling you with all honesty that the nutrition facts on the Starbucks website are complete bogus. It's not to the fault of Starbucks by any means, it is simply the fact that every barista, makes every drink differently, every single time. A little extra milk, extra caramel, too much whipped cream, less ice than recommended, all skew the nutrition charts so significantly that you cannot trust what you are reading. Moving forward, if you chose to ignore that fact for your own self pride I'm not going to stop you, but you are only fooling yourself. Even though each barista is howled at during their week of training to be incredibly precise and to follow these specific steps, by week three after the boss is off their back and has faith that the new employee knows what they're doing, that preciseness more likely than not goes to waste.

I know this is the number one most common questioned asked by you all so here is the answer for you. How to order an espresso drink (Lattes, macchiatos, mochas)?

1: Is it iced or hot?
2: Decaf?
3: Any extra shots of espresso?
4: Any flavorings? (This can be skipped if it is part of the mocha/latte/macchiato name).
5: What milk if not 2%?
6: Whipped cream?
7: Which of the 3 drinks it is? Or the specific drink it is.

Lastly, this is the most important piece of information you can ever be told. If you order your drink and it is not correct, it tastes off, its hot instead of iced, or even if it's the wrong thing all together, JUST TELL US. As much as we may hate it in the moment, remaking your drink with more focus and accuracy is better than the alternative that you are going to rat us out to other baristas, or worst case scenario, our boss about how we cannot do our job correctly. There is nothing worse, NOTHING WORSE, than one of your customers talking about you to your lead about how disgusting their drink was, even though they told you that their drink was made perfectly. Newsflash! You are paying upwards of $7 for some of these drinks, if it comes out gross, don't suck it up or throw it away, get a new one that is better. Get your money's worth. Otherwise, it's your fault you didn't get your $7 worth of coffee because you failed to point out the flaws in your drink.

Thank you so much dear customer for keeping me employed and continuing to come into my stores. Anyhow, if you can please follow these rules and understand these tips that I have portrayed before you, I, and your other Starbucks baristas will thank you kindly.

Best Wishes and Much Love,

Your Local Starbucks Barista.

P.S. If you don't want your name misspelled, please just spell it out or have good diction so we can understand your professional mumbling.