Since a young age, I've always had this unexplainable drive to stay busy. My mind seems to constantly run a million miles an hour. I can recall laying in bed with infinite thoughts from a pretty young age.

My brain and thought-system never exactly have felt normal. I always have felt different when all I use to desire was to be like others around. Adults told me I was "special", kids told me I was weird.

Books served as my get-away, where I could live in any other world as anybody else. I didn't have to be weird me on this unaccepting, judgmental earth. I could finish a book in a day.

My brain loved how quickly the pages and chapters would pass.

But as I got older, my need to feel normal in this world caused myself to set aside the books. I hid my love for learning and lost my escape. But with a brain that constantly is moving, I didn't know what to do with myself.

I crammed my days with sports, school assignments, and organizations. In such a small school I dove into every opportunity that would keep my mind busy. I flooded myself with expectations and deadlines to meet. I set myself up to fail and created a feeling of lack of self-worth.

So when I wasn't practicing or working I was with the family or with friends, constantly moving. Because one of the deep truths are is that when I sit still my brain creates all these thoughts of how I don't fit in, that someone doesn't like me, or how I'm just flat out not good enough for something.

I get anxious about new things when I don't have anything else to distract me. I can in minutes think of how in every possible way something can go wrong. I've been told I'm unable to see the positive, but no one else can understand how my brain works.

My brain just runs through so many possibilities. And, sorry, but not all of those are rainbows and unicorns.

There's no rhyme or reason why my brain thinks as it does, it's just how God wired me. But I'm growing and learning how to make myself the healthiest and happy as possible. I have an amazing family and close friends that support me and love me unconditionally.

This summer is one of the first times in years that I don't have a packed schedule to keep myself busy. To keep me distracted. Rather, I plan on taking this summer to enjoy me.

To enjoy those random trips to get cookie dough and ice cream with friends. To go to concerts and lakes, go on hikes and adventures.

I'm tired of changing myself to conform to the expectations of society.

I should have never felt like I shouldn't be a nerd and enjoy reading. I will forever enjoy learning and exercising my brain, but I will never overfill it to numb the pain. I am ready to step away from feeling hurt because of what others say/think of me.

I'm prepared to find myself this summer. So don't even try to stand in my way.