I, a 21-year-old woman, had never been to a Victoria's Secret before this last weekend. I know, I know. Please, pick your jaws up off the floor. And, believe it or not, many of my friends had similar reactions as yours upon hearing this most shocking truth and, as such, made it their personal mission to get me into a real, grown-up bra for once in my life.
So, here, for your amusement and entertainment, I present to you the seven stages of going to Victoria's Secret, as told by someone who had never gone before.
Let the drama - and the avalanche of pink - begin.
1. Admitting you need an upgrade.
After years and years of shopping exclusively at stores like Walmart and Meijer for your bras, you finally decide you and your precious cargo need a bit of an upgrade. So, you muster up all the courage you have left and decide to make the journey to the boobs and bras Mecca of the universe: Victoria's Secret.
2. Fear and anxiety.
Even the name and the thought of all that PINK is enough to send shivers down your spine and make your inner tomboy cry out, "Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, don't do it!" But you do it. So you walk into the mall, search around its deep labyrinth of stores and halls, and then you see it — the mirrored signs, the neon lights, the PINK. You have half a mind to turn back, but you don't. Momma didn't raise no coward!
3. Searching and searching and searching ...
You step into the shop and are sure that, at some point, a sparkly pink unicorn will come prancing out from behind the polka-dotted walls, but that never happens. Instead, your young, innocent senses are bombarded with overtly feminine and lacy stimuli. Every inch of this store screams estrogen, and every inch of your mind is screaming, "Aaahhh! My eyes!" You are ushered in by a very kind woman who takes your measurements (which — congrats — you were right about!) and escorts you in the direction you need to go based on the type of bra you are looking for. Literally, you are so overwhelmed, but you trust her.
4. That "aaah" moment.
She hands you the bras she thinks would work well for you and walks you to the dressing room, which is filled with even more women and even more bras. She takes your name and assigns you a dressing room with, thankfully, very high walls. You try on the first one with the most padding and absolutely melt into it. You take a look in the mirror and — yep! Killin' it. This is totally the one! No need to look any further!
5. Sticker shock.
But then you look at the price tag! Eeek! Why is a bra this expensive? It is literally just a fabric boob holder! You gently place the most expensive — and most comfortable — one aside and try on the other ones that are cheaper and on sale! You love sales! But, alas, with every bra you try, you cannot help but look longingly over to the one that was just meant for you. Finally, your will breaks and you put the bra back on. Okay. You literally cannot live without this on your body.
6. Bargaining and justification.
You walk out of the dressing room and stand in the middle of an endless sea of bras, tossed around by the tidal waves of indecision. What are you going to do? Sell a kidney? Then you remember: you have a coupon for $10 off a bra! Finally, after 10 minutes of bargaining with yourself and justifying your splurge for the sake of comfort and support, you walk up to the checkout counter with two bras in hand: the love of your life, and the $20 one to justify your not spending $50 on just one bra. You swipe your card and leave, breathing a sigh of relief as you walk back to your car.
7. The re-return.
Back at home, you put on your bras and soak in all the majesty. Yep. This is nice. You strut out of the house feeling confident and ready to take on the world with your new chest on fleek. And all that new confidence and strutting power? Well, that just about makes up for the price tag and the overwhelming amount of pink! So, yes. You will be back. Because your boobs will never be satisfied with anything less.
